3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
101 Animals Jokes
This is page 3 of 11 pages displaying a total of 101 Animals jokes.
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The Cat The Cat One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El-Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El-Take-O. The next day, hubby had an appointment with his doctor, which is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor (many our friends and neighbors). The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 10 Signs Your Cat Is Planning To Kill You! Top 10 Signs Your Cat is Planning to Kill You! 1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill. 3. He actually _does_ have your tongue. 4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Two Robins Were Sitting On A Branch Two robins were sitting on a branch high in a tree. One looked down and saw a field full of worms. Turning to the second bird he said, "We ought to go down there and eat." "Good idea," said his friend. The two of them flew down to the field and ate their fill and then some. When he could eat no more one said to the other, "You know, we ought to stop eating and fly back to our branch." Rubbing his belly the second responded, "Yep." With that they tried to fly to their branch in the tree, but they had eaten too much to get off the ground. The second one said, "Maybe we should just stay here and relax in the sun." Before long the two birds slept, basking in the afternoon sun. As they slept, a cat happened upon the field. Seeing the birds, sleeping, and oblivious to his presence, the cat pounced. As feather s settled around him, the cat rubbed his belly, and said, "There is nothing better than baskin robbins." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Where Do Pets Come From WHERE DO PETS COME FROM? Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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White Man Games White Man Games An Indian named Brown Elk walked into the saloon. He was a giant of a man with a six-shooter tucked into his belt, so no one dared ask why he was carrying a pail of manure in one hand and a small cat in the other. "I'll have a whiskey," he told the bartender, and after downing the shot, Brown Elk ordered another. Then another. Finally, after his fourth drink, the Indian pulled out his revolver, fired several shots into the bucket, released the cat, then ran after it. When he caught it, he returned to the bar. "E-excuse me," said the alarmed bartender, serving him a drink on the house, "but would you mind telling me what that was all about?" "My father told me to try and be more like white man," he answered. "So, I came here to have a few drinks, shoot the shit, and chase a little pussy." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Women Love Cats "I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat." - Unknown -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Bees Looking For A Meal Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a WASP." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Bear Hunter Alllegory An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." the doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "no." The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him." "thats impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "someone else must of shot the bear." "Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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When Bears And Rabbits Get Wishes... One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Bull YOUNG Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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