3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
77 Marriage Jokes
This is page 3 of 8 pages displaying a total of 77 Marriage jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 NEXT >>
|
Arizona Anniversary ARIZONA ANNIVERSARY While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Cuckoo Clock Cuckoo Clock The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Dave' Night Out Dave' night out Just when you thought it couldn't get worse....... Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evening bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Do You Any Of You Have This Problem? Do you any of you have this problem? A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Explain This Explain This There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device...a vibrator...soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Fire!!!!! FIRE!!!!! A FIREMAN came home from work on day and told his wife, "You know we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What's this BELL 4?" asked the husband. "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Frogs FROGS A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well", said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to do blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!", the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month", he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?," she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
He Said/she Said He said/She said He said... Want a quickie? She said...As opposed to what? He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. She said..."I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee-start packing!" He said... "That's great!!! What should I pack?" She said..."Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there" He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!" She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is!" She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded. He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.' She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we would do without the gardener too' Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?' He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man? She said...No, have you? He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? he said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind. He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there. He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Hormone Hostage Hormone Hostage Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. Use this handy guide as a discussion tool or simply print it out and give it to your loved one to keep in his wallet... DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, I've got lots of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did YOU DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
How Do You Decide Who To Marry? HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out 20 years later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6 "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8 "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9 "Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get Married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? "If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8 "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10 -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 NEXT >>
