3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
61 Children Jokes
This is page 3 of 7 pages displaying a total of 61 Children jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 NEXT >>
|
Children’s Letters To God Children’s Letters to God ---------------------------------------------------------------- Dear God, You don’t have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. HAHA -Danny Dear God, If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear God, If we come back as something - please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I don’t like her. - Denise Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything else before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear God, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest? -Tom L. Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some thing about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. -Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear God, Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if you did, then I’m really going to fix my brother. -Darla Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear God, , I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear God, Are you invisible or it that just a trick? -Lucy Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison Dear God, In school they told us what YOU do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Definitely Defined: Definitely defined: Definitely Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Discipline Discipline A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Friends Friends One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home All his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd." I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes. We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him. And my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Got Milk? GOT MILK? Little Johnny had not studied for his life science exam. The teacher in the one room school house was giving an oral exam. "What are the four main advantages of breast milk?" she asked. "No need to boil." called one student. "And another?" the teacher questioned. "It never goes sour." said another child. "Correct." said the teacher. "It is available whenever is necessary." called out another. "Johnny." she asked. "Do you have the last answer?" "Sure," he said. "It is available in attractive containers of varying sizes." He got an "A". -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
How Little Minds Work: How little minds work: A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class and the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw with which to build my house?" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" My friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the Oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?," gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
If I Were Dad... If I Were Dad... Ten year old Tommy was caught red handed one day after school, scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother entered the kitchen. She said, "Put that away, Tommy. You can't have ice cream now. It's almost dinner time. Go outside now and play." "Ah, Mom, there's no one to play with," he wailed. She said, "OK, honey. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He said, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, she said, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Tommy said, "First, you go up to the bedroom and lie down." Curious, but willing to play along, Mom headed upstairs. Tommy, headed off down the hall and opened the utility closet. He grabbed his dad's old fishing hat. As he started up the stairs he noticed a cigar butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picked it up and slipped it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moved to the bedroom doorway. His mother raised her head and said, "What do I do now?" In his best gruff 'Daddy voice', Tommy said, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!" A husband, wife and their small daughter visited a nudist camp. As they walked into the camp, the little girl were all wide-eyed. "Mummy, there are ladies here with bigger boobs than yours!" she exclaimed. Her mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber they are." The daughter went on, "There are men here with bigger penises than Daddy's!" Her mother replied again, "The bigger they are the dumber they are." The little girl went out to play, but a short time later she returned. "Mummy," she asked, "Is dumbness contagious like a cold?" Her mother replied, "Why on earth would you think that dumbness is contagious?" The girl answered, "Well, Daddy's talking to the dumbest lady I've ever seen, and the longer they talk the dumber he gets!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Interpretations Of Nature Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved).... "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water" "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube" "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u." "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration." "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Kids Are Wonderful Kids are wonderful WHILE taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? " "Yes, that's right," I told her. " Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" ===== I t was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" ======= WHILE working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" ======= A LITTLE girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning." ======= WHILE walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said. "Glory be unto the Faaaather. . . and unto the Sonnnn . . . and into the hole you gooooes." ======= TO CLOSE each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky. One night I noticed a small boy about t! ! hree years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God." ===== MY BEST lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?" "I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered. ====== WHEN my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef." ====== We had ! ! ;spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town. Early the next morning, our 3-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work." ===== A LITTLE girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!" ====== ONE day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. "What happened?" my mother asked. "I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Lip Prints LIP PRINTS According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers. . .and then there are Teachers -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 NEXT >>
