3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
29 Golf Jokes
This is page 3 of 3 pages displaying a total of 29 Golf jokes.
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Swearing A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws" , it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sandtrap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f---ing putt, didn't you?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Worst Golf Foursome Ever 1 Monica Lewinsky 2 OJ Simpson 3 Ted Kennedy 4 Bill Clinton Why You Ask? 1 Monica Is A Hooker 2 OJ Is A Slicer 3 Ted Kennedy Can't Drive Over The Water, And 4 Bill Clinton Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Streaker There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy ... isn't that Dick Green?" "No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Moses And Jesus Playing Golf Moses, Jesus, and an old bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green. The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Tee Off Bob stood over his tee shot, adjusting and readjusting his stance over and over again, making his golf buddy crazy. Finally his friend said, "What the hell is taking you so long! Hit the ball already!" "Give me a minute," Bob replied. "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse and I want to make this a perfect shot." His friend said, "Man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Golf Balls A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000. She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Funeral Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot. At that moment a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His golfing partner looked at him and said, "Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead." Mike replied, "Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years come tomorrow." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Golf Bag Genie Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Spare Change A bum asked a man on the street for $5. "Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No." "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." "Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf" Will you go to a dance? No I don't dance either. Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, play golf or dance. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
