3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
30 Lawyers Jokes
This is page 3 of 3 pages displaying a total of 30 Lawyers jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3
|
Materialism: Exhibit A MATERIALISM: EXHIBIT A A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Mildred Was A 93 Year Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. A man married a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded: My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be. My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation. My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up. My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.' My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver. My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it. My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it. My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... well... God I miss him!" She finally smiled and turned to him. "So now I've married you, and I'm really excited." "Why is that?" asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer! I just know I'm going to get screwed!" -- "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Not Your Typical Blonde Joke ! NOT YOUR TYPICAL BLONDE JOKE! A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Red Tape Red Tape A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (Actual letter) Dear Sir; "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual letter) Dear Sir; Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that the US purchased Louisiana from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, who had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, ...may we have our damn loan?" They got it. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
The Heart Donors The Heart Donors A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from. 'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000.' The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000.' 'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?' 'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000.' 'Five-hundred grand?!?', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?' 'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!' -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
The Snake And The Bunny The Snake and the Bunny Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I am." "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician or an attorney." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
The State Of Personal Responsibility The State of Personal Responsibility in the America of the 1990s If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Various Organizational Philosophies Explained In Terms Of Two Cows Various Organizational Philosophies explained in terms of two cows SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and sells you the milk. NAZISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and shoots you. BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain. CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. LAWYERISM You see two cows and note that the milk from same has not been labelled “Contains lactose.” You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy cooperative, the distributor and the grocery store chain. You settle out of court for $1,000,000. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get 10 cents each. You get $333,333. You act surprised when the owner goes berserk, shoots the cows and moves to Mexico. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op goes out of business. Congress passes a law making your job easier the next time. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Zero Tolerance ZERO TOLERANCE One day a Jewish man, a Hindu man, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighboring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jewish man graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu man and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jewish man. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu man. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jewish man to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu man. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jewish man and the Hindu man to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
1,000 Valentines Day Cards A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
