3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
48 Holiday Jokes
This is page 3 of 5 pages displaying a total of 48 Holiday jokes.
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Dear Santa #2 Dear Santa, I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. ow, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it. OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker? In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house! Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue. She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge. A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off. If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Halloween Party Halloween Party A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he camein and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Happy Halloween Happy Halloween A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a....... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. . However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.... . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. . With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin. Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition.......and ........... ........... .......... ........... ........... ........... ........... ........... .......... ........................the coffin stops -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Happy Holidays Happy Holidays A man is at the dentist's office for a routine appointment when the dentist notices that the patient's plate is severely corroded, but can't figure out why. The dentist says to the patient, "I've noticed that your plate is severely corroded. Have you had a change in your diet recently?" To which the patient replies, "Why yes sir. Six months ago my wife introduced me to eggs benedict. I fell in love with the hollandiaise sauce and now I put it on eveything." "That's it! The hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice which is very acidic. That expalins the corrosion of your plate. I can replace your plate, but I have to make it out of chrome." "Why chrome?", asks the patient. "Why don't you know? There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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I Wanna Watch Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me." Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Interpretations Interpretations I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done...... I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookie. I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it ...... Now I ride on escalators all the time. They were both round and firm. There was only the slightest difference between the two of them. I twisted the end of one with my fingers. It was so warm. I grabbed it with my whole hand and twisted it hard. I used my other hand to grab the other one and twist it hard the other way..... Now there's a brighter light bulb in the livingroom. It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.... Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes. I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me. He put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that it was over..... I hate neckties. It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it..... But I decided on catsup for my burger. They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen! They hung so heavy and low. I tried lifting them gently, but that wasn't enough. They had to be pulled, and I pulled on them very very hard. They finally came.... I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas tree. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Jimmy Received A Parrot For Christmas Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Little Johnny's Joke LITTLE JOHNNY'S JOKE One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father answered, "Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle! Wait until Christmas!" When the Christmas season was near, Little Johnny reminded his father about the bicycle he wanted. Little Johnny's father answered, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high... sorry, son. Ask me again some other time." A couple of days later, Little Johnny was walking out of the house with all of his belongings in a suitcase, so his father asked him why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out.' Then, Mommy said 'you should wait because she was coming too...' And I'll be damned if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Merger Mania Merger mania Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Message From Santa Subject: Message from Santa Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1999 12:20:05 EST General Memorandum I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy eared, flyin'coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba' fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer." Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
