3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 3 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Actual Dear Abby Letters Actual Dear Abby Letters Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much. I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and ahalf years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor. Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it. Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office. Dear Abby, I am forty four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose Dear Rose, So would I. Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess Dear Bess, Night and day. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Actual Sportscaster Comments ...... Actual Sportscaster comments ...... This is really a lovely horse; I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator) "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables) "I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson) "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson) "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race1977) "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field!" (Metro Radio) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield) "What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live ) "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics) "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them............Oh my God! What have I just said?" (USTV commentator) "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him" (NZ rugby commentator) "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Actual T-shirt Slogans ACTUAL T-SHIRT SLOGANS 1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod) 2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old) 3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" 4. "Procrastinate Now." 5. "Rehab Is for Quitters." 6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone." 7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?" 8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt) 9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15." 10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING." 11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names." 12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." 13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN." 14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes." 15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance." 16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" 17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music." 18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose." 19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken." 20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead." 21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog." 22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on." 23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once." 24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH." 25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory." 26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it." 27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." 28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." 29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years." 30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music." 31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?" 32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!" 33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson." 34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT." 35. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team." 36. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine." 37. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Adages Adages The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. "I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner." If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom? That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains." "No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning." Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? "Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis." The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Advice For The Day Advice for the day Never buy a pitbull from a one-armed man. For some the glass is half full. For others the glass is half empty. For me, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Ain't English Grand Ain't English Grand These are the top 25, all real headlines from newspapers, taken throughout 1999: 25. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 24. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say 23. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 22. Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case 21. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 20. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus? 19. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 18. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over 17. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 15. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 14. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse To Work After Death 12. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 11. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 10. Two Sister Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 9. War Dims Hope For Peace 8. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While 7. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 6. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 5. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 4. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space 3. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 2. Local High school Dropouts Cut In Half and the number 1 headline..... 1. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Am I A Bad American Man? I've been told that I am a BAD American man, the country's worst nightmare. Am I a BAD American man? I like 4-wheel drive vehicles, guns, and firm tits. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevelgovernmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squeezing out babies. I don't think knowing how to use a weapon makes you a crazed killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't really care that you tag folks like me as a racist, homophobe, or misogynist; but I am pissed as hell if you say that I personally bully folks based on their race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender. I think Kwanzaa is a marketing scam. Heck, so are some of the others. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in America, you do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions, ill thought-out actions, or the only rationale for additional social programs. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think getting a hummer IS sex, and I don't gave a damn that Clinton got his in the Oval office, but I object fiercely that he lied about it under oath, suborned perjury, and tampered with witnesses to try and cover it up. I know what the definition of "is" is. I think Oprah's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet, but I like to netsurf and going to whatever sites I choose. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osborne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, despite personally considering the lyrics of most of their songs trash. I think that being an art student doesn't give you any more insight than working at Blockbuster. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools and before football games. My heroes are John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Norman Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" and "Titans." I think creative violence and gratuitous nudity and sex makes bad-guys deader and movies more interesting. I don't hate the rich, and I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake, but I still think that Goldberg could kick your butt. I think global warming is "Chicken Little" junk science. I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-hell-up. Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a 6 year old with a Play Station. I want to know exactly which church it is where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, and who it was that elected him and Rev. Al Sharpton the spokespersons for all black Americans. I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen DeGeneres puts her tongue, and it shouldn't be a factor to keep her on the air if her jokes aren't funny and her acting is poor. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I worry about dying before I get even. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are not gonna be honor roll middle-class high school kids but gang-banging losers from the wrong side of town. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with a firm voice, a firmer hand, and a loving heart. I know right from wrong and so does almost everyone else, so it angers me that we keep making excuses for criminal behavior and turning a blind eye when we should be demanding that people be held responsible for their actions. I think that way too many social programs are simply pay-offs for block votes. I think piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement rather than some bullshit pin-cushion fad. I like hot women, hard liquor and taking a hefty bowel movement, but don't even think about asking me if I want a rice cake. I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. I'll admit that the "Sands of Iwo Jima" and "Ole Yeller" made me cry. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had kids. I will not conform or compromise on major issues, just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Making love is best, but sometimes I just wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. I believe that you have to fight for what you believe in, even if it means having to die to ensure the rights of others and preserving the Constitution. I believe that the pledge of allegiance should begin every school day and start every session of Congress. What do you believe? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Anagrams Anagrams An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged with no letters left over (and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Animal Farm ANIMAL FARM The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (I don't believe that) On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. (I'm still not over that pig thing!) Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Polar bears are left handed. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. The flea can jump 350 times its body length; It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. A cat's urine glows under a black light. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfishes haven't got brains. * Those damn pigs! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Beer Warning Beer Warning Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. (Apparently this has happened to several people!) WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ass hole. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends leave. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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