3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 3 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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A Pastor Explained To His Congregatio A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Preacher Was Trying To Raise Money A preacher was trying to raise money for his church and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up with a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it into the races again. And this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity, that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS This was too much for the Bishop. He ordered the preacher to get rid of the ass. The preacher decided to give it to a nun at a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He then informed the nun that she would hve to dispose of the animal. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for ten dollars. The paper stated: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the Bishop the next day. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Truck Driver Used To Amuse Himself By Running Over Lawyers A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I‘m going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I‘ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn‘t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I‘m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That‘s okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door." ********* What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand. What‘s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Lawyer‘s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. . You‘re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Woman Died And Went To Heaven A woman died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to her, "Before you enter, can you tell me God's first name?" She thought for a moment and then said, "Andy." St. Peter was astonished and asked, "How did you come up with Andy?" "Well," the woman replied, " we sing it in church all the time. Andy walks with me, Andy talks to me, Andy tells me I am his own." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Actual Bloopers From Church Bulletins ACTUAL BLOOPERS FROM CHURCH BULLETINS Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the b.s. is done. Evening massage - 6 p.m. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. Next Sunday, Mrs.. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs.. Crutchfield and Mrs.. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. Today's sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir. Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding." On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Heargreaves is better. Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. The 1997 Spring Council Meeting will be hell May 10 and 11. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Baptized Baptized Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them so they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there, One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are ? We're not Katlick because they pour water." "We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptism water what we are ? . . . Why, we're Pisscopalians." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Because It's Lent Because it's Lent On the first day of their Honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Boudreaux, Fontenot & Thibodeaux Had All Been Life-long Buddies. Boudreaux, Fontenot & Thibodeaux had all been life-long buddies. One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in the Atchafalya Basin, Boudreaux made his confession. "We all been friends for thirty years and been through a lot. I've never told ya'll before because I didn't want to ruin our friendship......... but I'm gay." Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and said, "We kind of figured that out a while back, but wasn't gonna mention anything because we didn't want to embarrass you." Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued: The reason I bring it up now is cause I got AIDS and I got six months to live. Ya'll the only family I got left and I want ya'll to promise me that you won't let them bury me. I got a fear of caskets and I want to be cremated. Then I want ya'll to personally throw my ashes from that bridge up there over this water, where we have spent so much Time together. Fontenot & Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend had asked. Sure enough, six months later Boudreaux had died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to throw them out, when Thibodeaux stopped him. "Aren't you going to say anything?", he asked. "I don't know what to say. I never was much about going to church," Fontenot admitted. Thibodeaux scratched his head. "Just say something....anything. Make it rhyme." Fontenot thought about it a while and started throwing the ashes out over the water. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if you'd only liked pussy, you'd still be with us -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Church Singing Church Singing The minister stood in front of his congregation on Sunday morning and said he would be doing something different. When he said a word they would sing a verse from a hymn,,,,so he said I will begin now...... "Cross", the congregation sang, "The Old Rugged Cross", "Grace" ,and they sang a verse from "Amazing Grace", "Power", and they sang "Power in Blood", the last word he announced was "Sex", the congregation looked stunned, not a word from them----they sat in silence while looking back and forth at one another not knowing what to do when all of a sudden from in the back of the church an 87 year old lady stood up and started singing "Precious Memories". -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Confessional Box A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk replies, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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