3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 3 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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Password Rejected PASSWORD REJECTED I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.... now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect .. so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"... I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied: * ** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Redneck Computer Terms Redneck Computer Terms LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thing what splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: What them dang flies do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all" RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Redneck Computer User Redneck Computer User 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter." 2. The keyboard is in camouflage. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 4. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU. 5. The password is "bubba." 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to 5. 7. Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck. 8. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. 9. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 10. The printer goes real slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label and Old Milwaukee options. 13. Jeff Foxworthy .WAV files. 14. The monitor is up on blocks. 15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk. 16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 17. The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty with "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background. 18. The six front keys have rotted out. 19. John Deere pocket protectors. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Techie Stuff From Australia Techie stuff from Australia, most of it translates(grin!): Techie Tirades 1. Don’t write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here. 2. When a tech says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. It’s nothing to us to remember 4000 screen saver passwords. 3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all. 5. Don’t put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance. 6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing the public groups. 7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don’t have email or a telephone line. 9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 10. When you call a tech’s direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he’s out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You’re entitled to common courtesy. 11. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it. 12. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here. 13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors. 14. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators. 16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It’s nothing but trouble anyway. 18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don’t call tech support. We’d much rather troubleshoot it when it’s dead as a doornail. 19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk. 20. When a tech tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That’ll get us going. 21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You’ll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder. 22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it’s done. 23. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 24. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work. 25. Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy’s outta whack”. 26. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps. 27. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime money. 28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he’s checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too. 29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy. 30. Don’t ever thank us. We’re getting paid for this. 31. If you’re a student, feel free to bring in all your friends from uni and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won’t let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were at uni; that’s why we’re such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps. 32. When a tech asks you whether you’ve installed any new software on this computer, lie. It’s nobody’s business what you’ve got on your computer. 33. When a tech finds the porno pictures in your Recycle Bin, tell her you’ve never seen those before. We couldn’t tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face. 34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator’s password to “blowjob” and promptly forget it. We like installing NT. 35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them. 36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. 37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives. 38. When you get a message saying “Are you sure?”, click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you? 39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway. 40. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap. 41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a Professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics. 42. When you can’t find someone in the government directory, call tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 013. 43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech support. We love to hack. 44. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know jack shit about the problem. 45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server. 46. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue. 47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech’s desk, exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: “YOU have a child?!?” We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have got laid. 48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing $15,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: “Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?” That’s another one that cracks us up no end. 49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the colour printer. We get the black toner for free. 50. When you lose your car keys in Canberra, send an email to the entire department. People in Perth like to keep abreast of what’s going on. 51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don’t do weekends. 52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don’t do dating; the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we’re discussing the new Intel processor. 53. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won’t be doing anything useful until the next major release. 54. When you can’t access some shared directory on your boss’s machine, just tell us that you’ve lost your X: drive. We know all that shit by heart. 55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in high school, feel free to pick our brains while we’re taking a leak. We’re good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands. 56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We’ll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic version 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out. 57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We’ll find the jumper settings on the Internet. 58. We’re aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We’re confident that with the next service pack they’ll be able to dance the jig. 59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It’s just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk. 60. If you miss Windows 3.1, find the line that goes shell=explorer.exe in your SYSTEM.INI file and replace it with shell=progman.exe. It makes troubleshooting infinitely easier when we ask you whether you have a Start button at the bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that you don’t. 61. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don’t like condoms, just don’t use them, that’s all. 62. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer. 63. When you detect a French accent in a tech’s voice, switch to French. We don’t mind that your level of fluency is that of a Mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don’t make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either. 64. We don’t really believe that you’re a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The New Car THE NEW CAR A woman always wanted an expensive car; a status symbol to drive around and flaunt. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down many dollars for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the blasted thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer and voice activated. All she has to do is tell it what she wants to hear. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off, amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "Low-life, arrogant, self-centered scum!!!" she screams. "click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Night Before Y2k The Night Before Y2K. ... Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation. The chips were replaced In computers with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there. While some folks could think They were snug in their beds Others had visions Of dread in their heads. And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac Had just logged on the Net And kicked back with a snack. When over the server, There arose such a clatter I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter. But he was away, So I flew like a flash Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash. When what with my wandering eyes Should I see? My good old Mac Looked sick to me. The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug, I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug! His image downloaded In no time at all, He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall! Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compaq, And Pentium too! All processors big, All processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all! All the controls That planes need for their flights All microwaves, trains And all traffic lights. As I drew in my breath And was turning around, Out through the modem, He came with a bound. He was covered with fur, And slung on his back Was a sackful of virus, Set for attack. His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry! As midnight approached, though Things soon became scary. He had a broad little face And a round little belly, And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly. He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning, And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive stopped spinning. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink, All things electronic Soon went on the blink. He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line, He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign? Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty cry, Happy Y2K to all, Kiss your PCs good-bye! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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This Virus Warning Is Genuine This virus warning is genuine. There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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To All People Who Insist On Sending Me Stupid Emails TO ALL PEOPLE WHO INSIST ON SENDING ME STUPID EMAILS READ THE FOLLOWING TRUE STORY!! I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. It’s true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X’s and O’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. Let’s hope 1999 bring us more ridiculous warnings (PS-if you read this, your hard drive will be erased in 8 seconds. Maybe) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 11 Reasons Why E-mail Is Like A Male Reproductive Organ Top 11 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.* 7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival if the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: ...... If you play with it too much, you go blind.. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 15 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers Top 15 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers 15. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 14. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 13. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 12. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit. 11. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got New Mail." 10. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 9. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing the net instead of working. 8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee. 7. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 6. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging. 5. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome. 4. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand... 3. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the question! 2. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver 1. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmEejTyH P;AzWqS,.. (Too Hard To Type with paws!) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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