3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
110 Political Jokes
This is page 3 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
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Bush's Acceptance Speech (first Draft) Bush's acceptance speech (first draft) My fellow Americans, it's about fucking time. All you liberals can just kiss my big, white Texas ass if you think I'm gonna spew a boatload of bipartisan bullshit. Let's set the record straight here. I won, dammit. Hell, I won FOUR OR FIVE TIMES, you stupid bastards. We got the Presidency, we got Congress, and by the end of four years we'll have even more of the Supreme Court. The Republicans are here, and we're gonna show you how it's done. Ya'll want me to reach across party lines now? How 'bout I reach across and bitch-slap all your sorry-liberal-monkey-asses? How'dya like that? Don't get me wrong, here. The sense of satisfaction I'm feeling right now isn't that I've won - it's that I won't have to listen to Al Gore bitch and moan about "letting every vote count". The only reason this went as far as it did is because you Democrats have a playground crybaby as your poster-boy, and I for one am glad I won't have to see him on TV anymore. This might sound snippy, Mr. Gore, but as we used to say in the sandlot...LOSERS WALK!!! As I said in my campaign, I promised to be a president who focuses on education. My first task as President will be to start an educational program for all you Florida-idiots who can't tell your elbow from your asshole or how to poke a stylus through the right hole. I don't get you liberal Democrats: when we're talking about Bill Clinton and some office whore, you say that lack of penetration doesn't count; but when it comes to ballots, lack of penetration DOES count. You want a solution to this problem? Take some Viagra, you old farts, and finish what you started next election. Until then, I want to ask you just one question: "Who's yer daddy???" And so I humbly accept the office of President of these United States. Thank you. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Candidates Candidates The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Cattle Guards CATTLE GUARDS (definition for city slickers) For those who have never traveled to the great West, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings on highways to prevent cattle from crossing. For some reason the bovines will not step on the guards, probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. I need to make that clear in order for everyone to appreciate the following TRUE story. President Clinton received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered Secretary of Interior Bruce Babbitt to fire half of the guards immediately. Before Babbitt could respond, and presumably straighten him out, Colorado's congresswoman Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any were fired, they be given six months of retraining. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Chain Letter For Tired And Discouraged Men. This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below! Bill Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC William Jefferson Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC W. J. Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC William Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC W. Jefferson Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC William J. Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC Slick Willie Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC Billy J. Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC Clinton, William J. 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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China Sent 50,000,000 Cases Of Viagra China sent 50,000,000 cases of Viagra to the United States. They heard that our entire country can't get an election. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Chrysler Corporation Is Adding A New Car To Honor Bill Clinton Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year. When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don’t know. I never had one." If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with ‘After I’m elected...’" Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered. The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because heis so full of crap that he can’t fly. Isn’t putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief? Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom. Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else." Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Clinton And Sadam "Clinton and Sadam" President Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the UNSCOM inspections in Iraq. As he sits down he sees three buttons in the armrest of Saddam's chair. When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, "Why the three buttons in your armrest?" "You'll see," says Saddam. After 10 minutes Saddam presses the first button, and WHACK a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam just laughs. Clinton manages to remain calm until, after another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button, and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing. Clinton is highly annoyed by now, but remains outwardly calm. After another 5 minutes, Saddam presses the third button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, this time right in the crotch. Clinton is really fed up by it now and breaks off the talks. "We'll continue this next week in the White House," says the President. Saddam, has tears in his eyes from laughing, and can only nod in agreement. As agreed, Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office a week later, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the armrest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button and immediately ducks, but nothing happens. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing really loud. Clinton continues where he left off, and after a few minutes presses the second button. Saddam again reacts instinctively, and jumps up to avoid whatever is coming. Again absolutely nothing happens, and this time it's Clinton who falls out of his chair from laughing. Saddam is totally bewildered, and wonders what the heck is happening. But no harm has come to him, so he retakes his seat and the talks continue. After a few more minutes, Clinton presses the third button. This time, Saddam doesn't even flinch, but stays in his chair as though nothing unusual is taking place. Clinton, however, is rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughter. Saddam is not only bewildered-- now he is angry. He springs to his feet and shouts, "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!" Through tears of laughter, Clinton says, "Baghdad.... what Baghdad?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Clinton Dies Clinton dies One day Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here, says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take that person's place. I'll even let you decide which one leaves. "Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, "commented Bill. The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms raised over his head, and his legs in a spread eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton looked in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle that." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Clinton Era After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides. Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar." The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress "Presidue." Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young. Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed. Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation they added an 11th commandment "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff." Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Clinton's Hawgs Clinton's Hawgs After a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was carrying two Arkansas-bred hawgs, one under each arm. At the bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said, "Fine looking pigs, sir!" Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Son, don't you know I'm from Arkansas? These ain't pigs. They're hawgs." The Marine shot back, "Marine begs the COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S pardon, sir! Fine looking hawgs, sir!" Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed. The President went on, "Thank you, son. You see this one here?" He lifted up the pig under his right arm. "I got this one for Chelsea." Then he nodded to the hawg on his left. "And this one here, I got for Hillary." (Scroll down for the reply) At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said, "Outstanding trade sir!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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