3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 30 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Nursing Home A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Border Patrol A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Message From Outer Space ALIENS CONTACT NASA: "QUIT SENDING US YOUR STUPID JUNK" WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - History was changed forever yesterday when NASA received a transmission from an alien species. The brief message, addressed to "abuse@NASA.gov," read simply: Humans -- Please discontinue sending stupid unsolicited transmissions and debris to us. We have received several metallic craft bearing objects, crude drawings, and disks which play noises when scratched with crystal-tipped needles. We don't know who "Bach" is, but tell him for us that he should consider another profession. Honestly, we receive thousands of unsolicited transmissions and craft from societies such as yourself to the point where they become a great nuisance, so discontinue this practice immediately or we will be forced to report you to your information provider or, more simply, blow up your stupid planet and all your stupid life-forms. Send your junk to the Gezor -- they have all the class and intelligence of stewed clazin. Regards, Elinzoa Glppaducc Information Processing Coordinator The Shati-Makal NASA immediately cancelled plans to send up a time capsule containing a CD of the Ricky Martin hit, "Livin' La Vida Loca", and a VHS copy of "Friends." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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A Special Pig A reporter hears about an amazing pig and goes out to the farm in Arkansas to get the story. He finds the farmer near the barn and asks him if the rumours about his pig are true. "Yep," says the farmer. "I got a pig that started squealing real loud when the house was on fire. He woke us all up and so we all got to safety. Otherwise we might have been killed. That's some pig." "And didn't the pig save your boy from drowning?" asked the reporter. "Yep, he raced right into the pond and pulled my little boy out by his shirt collar. Saved his life," the farmer says, wiping a tear from his eye. "Wow, I'd like to see this pig," the reporter says. "Well, come on over here." The farmer leads the reporter over to a nearby pen. There in the mud the reporter sees a pig with a wooden leg. "Why does he have a wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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New Kind Of Car Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car." his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years in prison." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Which Girlfriend? There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry, so he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money... .... He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits... -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Refrigerator One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman. "Mom, what's this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked. "Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Starting Young One day an old man saw a young boy walking and smoking a cigarette. He stopped the boy and asked how old he was. The boy replied "I'm 6 years old" "Since when do you smoke?" the old man asked. "Since I first slept with a woman" said the boy. "And when was that?" asked the old man. The boy answered: "I can't remember, I was drunk." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Batchelor Cookbook Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'". -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Envelopes The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the others are numbered one to three. He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third." The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them. Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing." Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy. A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything." It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved. A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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