3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 30 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Sister Margaret Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen. He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Ten Commandments Moses comes down from Mount Sinai after a long day of negotiating with God. He looks very tired, but the Israelites are very anxious to hear what he has to say. He says, "I have some good news and some bad news... The good news is that I got him down to only ten commandments. The bad news is that he wouldn't budge on the adultery issue. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Satan A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Email From God One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth...95% is bad and 5% is good." Well, He thought for a moment and said "Maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view." So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% is bad and only 5% is good." God was saddened at the confirmation of the bad news. He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said? Oh, you didn't get one either?!! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Nuns Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them." The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom,which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, takeout the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later. The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today ?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked "How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box." "I'll take twelve boxes - that should last about a week" said the nun. The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size." The sister thought for a minute, and finally said "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Physics Of Hell This is an actual question on a University of Washington physics mid-term exam: "IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (gives off heat) OR ENDOTHERMIC (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: (1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. (2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, 'That it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic." The student got the only A. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Church Bloopers The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS. Is done. Evening Massage - 6 PM. The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self' Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday >at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy." A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement noon Friday at 7PM. >The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home ofz Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The 1996 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. and last but not least............... The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you though that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven. Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve??! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second" "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too." "Let's go on with the next and final question: Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest replied, "Andy." "OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song.... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..." St. Peter opened the gate and said: "RUN FORREST, RUN!! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Thou Shalt Not Steal There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!" The other priest said, "Well what you need to do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confess to the crime." The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said. The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Small Boy And The Doorbell A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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