3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 31 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Ladies Of The Night A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work." The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth. For crying out loud. They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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First Wedding A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Educated Dog A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." ...And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' " The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Get Rich Scheme Caution: This is not for the clumsy..... Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1) Hold down the shift key. 2) Hit the 4 key four times fast. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Excuse "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Fanquevallemud New word for the day - "Fanquevallemud" Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the following conversation...Read aloud for best results. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia..... Room Service(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee" Guest(G): "Yes......" RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??" (G): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS): "How July it done peace?" (G): "What??" (RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?" (G): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." (RS): "Howbow bkan?" (G): "Crisp will be fine." (RS): "O light. An some DOS?" (G): "What?" (RS): "Dosee. July some DOS?" (G): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means." (RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..." (G): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?" (RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?" (G): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine." (RS): "Copy?" (G): "Sorry?" (RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?" (G): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." (RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits P bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy.. wite??" (G): "Well....Whatever you say" (RS): "Fanquevallemud!" (G): "You're welcome" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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How To Shower How To Shower Like a Woman: 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. How To Shower Like A Man: 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror. (it won't take long) 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower). 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partially dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, and make the "woo" sound again. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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How Many Women? Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... ... I'm sorry...what did you ask me? -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Letter From Dad Dear Son, I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home.Your mum read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your mother out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned cause they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love Dad -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Hot Air Balloon A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in Management". "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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