3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 32 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Christmas At Tommy's Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill. Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it. Tommy grabs the other ten. Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprised but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment. A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty. "Of course," answers Tommy. "So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad. Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Census Taker Five and half year-old Jennie answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Oh, Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks straight up. Of course, that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Adopted Children A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Livestock Sale A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken. When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am," replied the man. "Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one..." "No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted the man's wife. The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, "Here's your chicken." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Cannibals Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Auto Accidents The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**t!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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What Gender Is A Computer? A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spendin half your paycheck on accessories for it. The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. Which gender is yours? -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Construction Site An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no find him!" Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but I couldna find him!" The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Beverley Hills Shopping Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared." So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, Sam returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Yeti An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow. "Yeti tracks" the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them, "One thing you must know before we proceed; Do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti." The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope. The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him. So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away. The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedalling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate. Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London. After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England! The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view. Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more. With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak: "Tag!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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