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The Yeti
An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the
Himalayas.

Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less
frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the
mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large
manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks" the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed
them, "One thing you must know before we proceed; Do not, under
any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the
slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the
dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent
entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous
eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the
explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti
in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let
out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the
slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could
take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see
the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the
mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile.
After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft
'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to
see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of
miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and
pedalling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The
journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after
his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking
transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he
saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at
great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly
bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to
Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the
next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London
home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He
had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window
when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running
down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti
had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any
means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti,
but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before
the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from
there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run
but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end
the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally
stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the
last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up
with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who
could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked
the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and
with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag!"


      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
Missing Husband
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement
to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?
Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to
prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."


      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
Honey My Love
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married,
you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot
her name about ten years ago."


      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
Small Town Pullover
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom"


      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
Easy To Operate On
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians.
You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.
They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their
butt are interchangeable."


      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
The Texas Salesman
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.
The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his
interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the
next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the
boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock.
The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and
exhausted, in a chair.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on
my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said
the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium
fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small
fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going
fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that
fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic
probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle
department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in
astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came
in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your
weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "



      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
Drunk In A Hotel
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"



      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
The Ugliest Person In The World
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"


      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
Lawyer Vs Doctor
It was one of the most gruesome cases ever to come before the court in the
small town, and if found guilty, the defendant would spend the rest of his
life behind bars.

The case had not been proceeding well for the defense. Though there was no
direct evidence, the circumstantial evidence was quote compelling.

The only chance the lawyer had was to cast some doubt in the minds of the
jurors. His only hope was to attack the testimony of the medical examiner.

Lawyer: "And prior to declaring the victim dead, did you check his pulse"?

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you perform CPR?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you do anything to determine if the victim was still alive
prior to declaring him dead?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Then, Doctor, isn't it possible that prior to declaring the
victim dead that, in fact, he may have been alive and that it was your
negligence that caused the death?"

Doctor: "Aside from the fact that his brain was in a jar, I suppose he
could have been out practicing law."


      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)
Technical Support Request
Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf
2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run
DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited
effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX


Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by
its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once
per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will
notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the
quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems,
regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the
command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to
Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly
files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save
yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but
it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.

Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0
running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support



      -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm)

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