3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 39 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Redneck Drunk Driving Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" .... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Russian Submarine - What Really HAPPENED Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Artic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occured. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned. While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes. It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious: Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade? Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card. Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivian. [evil laughter in background] Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for the first time". [long pause] Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time. Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again. Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers. Captain: Where are the drivers? Seaman: On the CD-ROM. Captain: You are joking, right? Seaman: No Sir. Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows. [another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk? Captain: I do not think so. Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long pause] Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again. Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works. [another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything! Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles? Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready. Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works. Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [another long pause] Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it? Seaman: I have no idea Sir. Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu. Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo. Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo. Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready. Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1! [intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir. Captain: Click on the continue button. Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir. Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior. Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink. Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base. Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire. Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade. Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir. [another really long pause] Captain: Well? Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute.... [a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom] Captain: WTF was that?!?!? Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue. Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do? Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down! Seaman: It is not responding Sir! Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'! Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [another long pause] Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding. Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to 'end task'. Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir. Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again. Seaman: Aye Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.] Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen! Captain: Holy Shit! Not the blue screen of dea.... [ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.] -------------------------------------------------------- The tape ends at this point. During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "windows sucks" in morse code. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this. -- Where do you want to go today? -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Three Legged Chicken A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!! Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?" The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece." "That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?" "Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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One Thing Leads To Another The jetliner was taking off from Chicago's O'Hare airport. Shortly after it reached the cruising altitude, the captain began his normal welcoming remarks... "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. . . Welcome to Flight 4295, nonstop from Chicago to Newark. Our weather ahead is good and with the tail wind we anticipate a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back and relax - OH NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the intercom came to life once again. The calm voice of the captain said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was finishing my announcement, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the whole thing right my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "Yeah, right... He should see the back of mine!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Fbi Investigation FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place: Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Hit And Run The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized her laugh!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Plaster Cast A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Indian Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Leroy A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked, "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Near Death Experience Monday I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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