3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
34 True Stories Jokes
This is page 4 of 4 pages displaying a total of 34 True Stories jokes.
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Worst Analogies Ever Written In A High School Essay Winners of the "Worst Analogies Ever Written In A High School Essay" contest: He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Unknown) -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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English Notices Around The World FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD Here are some signs and notices discovered throughout the world. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acalpulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Japenese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guest of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootl= e him with vigor. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:=20 You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with chessy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking Here speeching American. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted For Attempted Murder. * * * * * * * * NEWS FROM ARKANSAS * * * * * * * * Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder. A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in. Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Speech Goofs I. SPEECH GOOFS "I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign "This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle "I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline "If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on "Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time. II. FOREIGN GOOFS "I am a jelly doughnut" --English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall "We pray for MacArthur's erection." --sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President III. MISCELLANEOUS "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
