3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
37 Work Jokes
This is page 4 of 4 pages displaying a total of 37 Work jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4
|
Stress Management Exercise Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. There now, feeling better? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Time Management Codes A message from the president.. It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter. Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation: 5000 Surfing the Net 5001 Reading/Writing Social Email 5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004) 5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Myself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610) 5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610) 5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610) 5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) 5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610) 5605 Bitching about Personal Problems 5610 Searching for a New Job 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching 5701 Not Actually Present at Job 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls 6206 Gossiping 6207 Planning a Social Event 6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job 6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers 6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring at Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.) 7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (see code #7400) 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid in an Illicit Activity _____________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
New Corporate Buzz Words New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists." Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa." Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Letters From Welfare Recipients LETTERS TO WELFARE ------------------- For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Departmentin applications for support of receiving payments. 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. 7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. 8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. 9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. 13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? 14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. 15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. 16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Productivity Can Be Raised We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here' s how to achieve 103%. Here' s a little math that might prove helpful in the future! What makes life 100%?? If you write out the Alphabet: A-Z and give each letter a number as followed: A = 1 B = 2 C = 3 etc, until you get all the way to Z = 26 then, H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = only 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% However, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% Now you know what it takes to achieve 103% -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Winking Away The Work A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Excuses For Sleeping On The Job Twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk 25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!" 24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!" 22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?" 21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day." 20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 19. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands." 18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." 12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?" 11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress." 10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!" 9. "I was working smarter-not harder." 8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 7. "I'm in the management training program." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client." And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk: 1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
