3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Sexes Jokes
This is page 4 of 6 pages displaying a total of 59 Sexes jokes.
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Men's Room Quiz Subject: Mensroom Etiquette Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty. There IS a code of Restroom Etiquette that MUST be followed. ============================================== The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use." (Sample): | | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.) ------------------------- You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck! -------------------- Easy Section -------------------- 1.) | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. ============================================= 2.) | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. ============================================== ------------------------- Kind of tricky Section: ------------------------- 3.) | | | | | | | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." ============================================== 4.) | | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. ============================================== ----------------------------------------------- Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section ----------------------------------------------- 5.) | | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! ============================================== ----------------------------- VERY tricky indeed Section ----------------------------- 6.) | x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! ... use a doored stall. ============================================== Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse. -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. -- NO Singing. Period. -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only... "Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Men Are Like...... Men are like.....Floor Tiles If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years! Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like.....Coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. Men are like.....Computers Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.... Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small. Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Snow storms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last. Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable. Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like....Newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap. Men are like.....Crystal. Some look real good, but you can still see right thru them. Men are like.....Dry cleaners. Most work fast and leave no ring. Men are like..... Laxatives. They irritate the sh** out of you. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Mistress Contest A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce!" "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife!. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Mother-in-laws A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Obituary When a man died his wife put the usual obituary notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the newspapers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly to the widow. You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea, said the friend. The widow replied that she nursed him day and night and of course she knew he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better to have him remembered as a great lover rather than the big shit that he always was. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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One Liners On Marriage: One-Liners ----------------------- My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Perfect Couple The Perfect Couple There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy ChristmaS Eve, this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon, they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The perfect woman. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pretty Picture Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "It's of you and your mistress. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Woman Discusses Pms How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID )(*(*^*&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Remote Control Control "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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