3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 4 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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Son-in-law A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the Mom. "Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.". The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, " I already told Mom. I am 40 years old and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll get to a husband." The father walked out of the room. The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, the vibrator in the other, watching the football game. "What are you doing?" she cried. "What does it look like?", shouted the Dad. "I am having a drink and watching the game with my son-in-law!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Farm Girl There was a Gal who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon these 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, "What are they doing?" He says "They're making love." "Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask. "Oh, uh, thats his rope." he answered. "Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she ask. He says "Those are his knots." She says "Oh, ok I got it." As they continue their stroll, They come to a barn and go in. She looks at him in the eye and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were." Surprised but excited he agrees. While they're getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts. She replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Fat Husband This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?". The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Birds And The Bees ******** A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem". She says "Tell me". He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh thats no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy". He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says "son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy". "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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First Timer A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cheating Is Permissible In These Cases Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Charlie says to Audrey, "Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?" Audrey replies, "Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing for me to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Flatulance There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning he told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he would "fart out his guts" one day. Each day, she told him this same thing. The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course, the turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up and replaced the covers and tiptoed down-stairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said "Honey, you were right--all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always did tell me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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French Pilot PIERRE THE PILOT Pierre, a French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love was in the air so Marie leaned over to Pierre and said, "Pierre, kiss me!" So our hero grabbed a bottle of red wine and splashed it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieked Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer was good enough for Marie and things began to heat up. So she said, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero ripped off her blouse, grabbed a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?!" "My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leaned over once more and softly whispered into Pierre's ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tore off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and sprinkled it all over her groin. He took a match and lit it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screamed, "PIERRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Gardening Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Australian Fetish After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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