3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Quotes Jokes
This is page 4 of 6 pages displaying a total of 59 Quotes jokes.
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Love As Seen By Kids Subject: All about love ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9 "If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn,age 7 ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita, age 8 "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome as anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a lifetime." Christine, age 9 REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8 "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9 CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, age 6 "Love is foolish.....but I might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9 "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...we were behind a tree." Carey, age 7 "Love will find you. Even if you hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8 "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding the fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10 THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER "Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8 "One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8 SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, age 6 "Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9 "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8 "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9 "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9 HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he is in love." Bobby, age 9 "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...other people care more about their food." Bart, age 9 "Romantic adults are usually all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." Sarah, age 9 "See if the man has lipstick on his face." Sandra, age 7 "It's love if they order one of those desserts that's on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are--- on fire." Christine, age 9 WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9 "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can eat." Dick, age 7 HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED? "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they don't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." Gina, age 8 HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7 "You learn it right on the spot when your gooshy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7 "It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.... that's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 7 "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 8 "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." Michael, age 8 HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick, age 7 "Don't forget your wife's name..that will mess up the love." Erin, age 8 "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8 "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind....Love isn't like picking which movies you watch." Natalie, age 9 ___________________________________________________________________________- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Monday Mottos Subject: Mottos for Monday * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it * The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade! * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts .. On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. * 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Motivational Thoughts cc: Subject: Motivation Here are some motivational phrases that may inspire you on days that life is really rough: "It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it." "Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it." "The price of greatness is responsibility." "Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice." "Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory." "Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." "The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get from it, but what they become by it." "The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra." "Progress always involves risk; you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first." "Failures are divided into two classes--those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought." "The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bumper Stickers EXTREME BUMPER STICKERS Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism-EAT ME! God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. Keep honking while I reload. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Bumper Stickers Ax me about Ebonics. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel . Boldly going nowhere. CATS: The other white meat . Dain bramaged. Don't be sexist- broads hate that. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost. I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts! If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now. I'm an imbecile and I vote. Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch. Saw it... Wanted it...Had a fit... Got it! WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull . Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS? If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? Your gene pool needs a little chlorine. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. JESUS SAVES... They Pass It To Gretzky... He Shoots... He Scores! Jesus is coming! Look busy! You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date! Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. I need someone really bad... Are you really bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots... I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind... Back in five minutes. Hang up and drive. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will... I want to be in it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink. We are born naked, wet, and hungry... Then things get worse. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids... They will pick out your nursing home. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else. Honk If You Want To See My Finger -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Thoughts EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. If you are psychic--think "HONK." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Best Chain Letter Ever Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion frigging forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 frigging cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bull. So basically, this message is a big SCREW YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Screw them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't frigging care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. P.S. Please forward thisto at least 50 of your best friends! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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In Olden Days... "The Washington Post" readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days: Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway,and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. And the WINNER of the velour bicentennial poster: In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny. Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing'. We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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On Women QUOTES FROM THE MALE PERSPECTIVE: * *A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" * I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. * It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. * Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. * A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." * Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. * How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. * Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! * I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. * * A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. * If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? * A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Old Maxims With A New Internet Twist Maxims for the Internet Age 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem IS the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. Virtual reality is its own reward. 19. Modulation in all things. 20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 21. There's no place like http://www.home.com 22. Know what to expect before you connect. 23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 24. Speed thrills. 25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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