3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 4 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Biker Women THE BIKERS PERFECT WOMAN 1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste! 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. I'm bored... Let's shave my pussy! 4. Oh come on, whadya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! 5. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! 6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? 7. You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12. I'll be out painting the house... 13. I love it when you ride on Sundays. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14. Honey... our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see! 15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 16. No, no,I will wash you bike for you 17. Your mother did a great job raising you. 18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some stuff for your bike 19. I understand fully... Our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys. 20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 21. Christ, not the fucking mall again. C'mon, let's go to that new strip joint! 22. Listen, I make enough money for both of us. Why don't you retire and get that new bike 23. That was a GREAT fart! Do another one! 24. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Birds And The Bees A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don’t really screw, I've got nothing left to believe in!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bizarre (but True?) After an 11-hour standoff in South River, New Jersey, police finally persuaded three family members to come out of their apartment lined entirely with aluminum foil. The family told police that the foil was to keep out "moonbeams and rays from the outer planets..." When best friends Jamie Moody and Timothy Dodge of Oregon got into a heated argument, Moody grabbed a shotgun in hopes of "intimidating" Dodge intosettling down. Instead, Dodge put the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth and "dared his friend to shoot." He did. According to reports, the two were arguing over who was the better clamdigger... Three Texas men are in federal court on charges of conspiring to assassinate President Clinton and other government officials. Their plans, revealed last month in court documents, included producing botulism toxin from "chicken livers, chicken hearts and green beans with a little dirt," then shooting poison-tipped thorns from modified cigarette lighters to kill their intended victims..." and y'all are from what planet, again? An Arizona man says his relationship with a 13 year old Mesa girl is perfectly acceptable because he is a witch. Nathan Shoecraft maintains that his Wiccan religious beliefs "allow him to have sex" with the minor girl. Other Arizona Wiccans disagree, and claim that Shoecraft is giving witches everywhere a bad name... When a 911 dispatcher in Bethel, Connecticut got a call and heard only silence on the line, four police officers, paramedics and an ambulance were immediately dispatched. At the scene, they found an empty house-- except for a parrot, and a phone off the hook... A schoolteacher walked into the police station in Kampala, Uganda and demanded to be shot. "Can't you just get a gun and shoot me?" begged Hamidou Namoyo, who was upset over losing his job. Officers reportedly told him he was "speaking to the wrong department" and shooed him away... down the hall, to your left... Hallmark spam: after Craig Shergold was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 9, he received a world-record 33 million get-well cards with the help of the Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. Ten years later, Craig's cancer is gone, but the cards just keep coming. It's not that he's ungrateful. Craig credits the "upliftment" from all the cards for his recovery. But after receiving 250 million cards and letters, he just wants it to stop... I'm sick to death of all this mail... Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that "Lucky," a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of the Cologne-to-Frankfurt Express. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record - they say the dog might sense nervousness and "do something silly..." A man identified only as Mr. Humphrey jumped off a 7 story riverside parking garage in Norwich, England. According to friends, Mr. Humphrey had "a passion" for jumping off bridges and other high places. Pacing along a ledge before he jumped, he called down to police officers to ask how deep the water was. Apparently, he didn't hear the answer: three feet... When Milwaukee police arrested a driver on a traffic violation, he kept insisting they had the wrong man. Ernest Hickles repeatedly told police that it was his brother, Earnest Hickles, who was wanted on several warrants. After six days in jail, police released Ernest, realizing they already had his brother Earnest in another cell. Hickles' grandmother blamed their mother for the confusion. "She gave both kids the same name because she didn't want anyone to know she had another baby..." Three sisters in Davie, Florida say they'll sue the Broward County Sheriff's Office on a complaint of police brutality. But witnesses say the girls-- a 16-year-old and 15-year-old twins-- ganged up on Deputy Eric Caldwell and "beat him with their platform shoes..." disco lives... Police in Ft. Lauderdale are pretty sure they've got their man in a rape and robbery investigation. They say that Ken Willis left his keys at the crime scene. When police went to his home, the keys fit the lock. When they arrested Willis, he was wearing socks on his hands... if it doesn't fit, you must acquit... After installing a new $917,000 security system at the Redwood City Hall of Justice, officials announced that "anything resembling a weapon would be confiscated." Hours later, deputies got their first catch-- a bread making machine. Officials were quick to point out that "it had wires and a timer..." and it was set all the way to "mix..." After eight months, police in Paola, Kansas still had no leads in the child molestation case of two young children- until one of the girls spotted the man on a television game show. Matthew Fenwick won $4,400 on Wheel of Fortune, but it won't cover his $50,000 bail... I'd like to buy a clue... A Michigan jury awarded $200,000 to a 27-year-old man who claimed that an automobile accident turned him into a homosexual. The man's attorney told jurors that after the accident, the man moved back home with his parents and started hanging around gay bars... must have been a rear-end collision... Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gene pool: Darwin Coates of Pasadena, Maryland accidentally shot himself in the groin with a .22 caliber handgun. While he was on the floor, his cousin, Gregory Johnson, took the gun away and stuck it in his pants. It went off again... When the owners of a gas station in Baltimore County, Maryland arrived at work Monday, they discovered an automatic teller machine had disappeared overnight. The thieves were caught on security camera videotape, but police have no leads. The robbers were all wearing garbage bags over their heads... let's hope nobody suffocates in the lineup... A New Jersey man is suing Pfizer Inc., claiming that Viagra made him crash his car. Used car salesman Joseph Moran of Colonia claims that "blue vision," one of the known side effects of the drug, distracted him while driving, causing him to hit a tree and two parked cars. Moran also says he saw blue streaks "shoot out from his fingers" as he reached to remove an audiocassette... cool, do that again... A Wisconsin man was arrested and charged with attempted murder after attacking his father with a hatchet. Kenneth Kartman told police that he had to kill his family to prove his college thesis. According to District Attorney Jim Peterson, Kartman "believed that somewhere on the other side of the world, there would be a mother who would be killing her young son and that this would somehow bring the opposites into union and would in some way further the development of mankind." Peterson described Kartman as "somebody who wasn't thinking clearly at the time..." remember, kids, just say NO to college... In a tragic case of mistaken identity, a man in Winnipeg, Canada had his penis severed with a steak knife while he was sleeping. Police believe the man was the victim of a mix-up involving another man and his ex-girlfriend. Doctors are trying to repair the damage, but were unable to reattach the severed article, despite "an intensive search by the Winnipeg police dog unit..." bad dog... That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true... __________________________________________________ http://www.bizarrenews.com/ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Black Boxes For Cars? The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Virginia was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Book Orders (specialty) I have a job that processes book orders that people have placed by mail. Sometimes, the books ordered tell a whole story in and of themselves. Here are three that have kept us laughing: One order for two books- 1. "How to win every argument" 2. "Conversations with God" Another order- "For My Only True Love" Note-please send three copies Last order for four books- "Getting along with mean people"; "How not to be mean"; "How to stay lovers for life"-two copies please. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Some Clean Jokes A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location". ======================================================================== A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'" ======================================================================== Q. What do Sadamm Husein and Miss Muffett have in common? A. They both have Kurds in their way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ========================================================================= A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden." "I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?" ========================================================================= -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cadillac Innovation A man and his wife were driving through country on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. "What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Camping Hints For The Less Informed Camping Hints ------------- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. (Right, Luke?) Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Clowning Around A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" "Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... "HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cowboys A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by. "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use. A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, "Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!" The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else." just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" "That's it!" the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare. Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them. The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parentheses?" Submitted by: Jack Kraft \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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