3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
101 Animals Jokes
This is page 4 of 11 pages displaying a total of 101 Animals jokes.
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Blame Spot For It A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Bunny Goes Free A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cat's Construction A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat. Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "by fur Miss?" The teacher replies "not quite right Mary but a good try." Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me Miss!" "Me Miss!" The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "is it attached by skin Miss?" The teacher replies......"not quite right either Peter.... any body else want to try?" Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "what do you think the tail is attached by?" Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cat Laws Cats in Physics 1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 2 - Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 3 - Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 5 - Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. 7 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 8 - Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 10 - Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 11 - Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 12 - First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. 17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 19 - Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. 20 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 21 - Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. 22 - Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 23 - Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 24 - Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 25 - Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. ____________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cat And Mouse Plans There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day." The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine." The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Chicken Crossing 1 Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO; For the greater good. ARISTOLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go whre no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken"s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken wasfaced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Anmdersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethrinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the its skills, its skills, chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best checkens along with Andersen Consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital,both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represxents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with yhour own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who care why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFIELD: Why does anhyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The qustion is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great pertime, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN; Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies yhour own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON; The chicken did not cross the road, it transcended it. ERNEST HEMMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with the chicken. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Chicken Crossing 2 (some Repeats, Some New) Why did the chicken cross the road? MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. BILL CLINTON: We categorically deny the chicken did cross the road and any allegations to the contrary by the right-wing extremeists should be postponed until I am out of office. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed = the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing? LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down! MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Chicken Crossing 3 (not As Good As The Others... ~~~ Why did the Chicken cross the road, Part 3 ~~~ Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Did he use a cattle goad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed it, no one told! Hamlet: Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles... Oliver North: National Security was at stake. O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with that chicken at the time. Can I have my glove back now? Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death. Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Friedrich Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. J.R.R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow-white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it. Malcolm X: Because it would get across that road by any means necessary. Gary Gygax: Because I rolled a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of Volume 3 of the Chicken Master's Guide. Captian Kirk: To go where no chicken had gone before. Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side. Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You crossed my father's road. Prepare to die. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken? George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights. Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer. Bill the Cat: Oop! Ack! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Cowboy A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on those of a British background, which he was. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND IIIIIIIIIIII DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUUUUUN IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to bloody walk home..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cows A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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