3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
77 Marriage Jokes
This is page 4 of 8 pages displaying a total of 77 Marriage jokes.
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How Long Will Ralph Be On Crutches? When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?", the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?", responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Husband's Checkup Husband's Checkup After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office. The doctor told her, "Your husband has serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and a especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV and try and get him another beer before he has to call for one. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week. You must try to satisfy his every sexual whim even if it is a little distasteful to you. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he'll pull through. " On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "You're going to die." She replied. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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I'm Moving To Las Vegas A husband arrived home to find his wife heading out the door with her bags packed. "Where are you going?" asked the surprised husband. "I'm moving to Las Vegas," she replied. "I hear I can make $400 a night there doing what I give you for free." The husband thought about this for a moment, ran upstairs, and came back down with his bags packed too. "Just where the hell do you think you're going?" asked the wife. "I'm going with you," he replied. "I'm dying to see how you're going to live on $800 a year!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Intercourse Anyone? Intercourse Anyone? An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said: "Morris do we still have intercourse?" Morris answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a thousand times... We have Blue Cross!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Irish Toast Masters Club Irish Toast Masters Club John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife." When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife." His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast." The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local police man on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize". "Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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It Pays To Save It Pays to save The young bride approached her waiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, she heard of the ravages of financial ruin, caused by corporate downsizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the fine structure, she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank, while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars, and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now, he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why he was so upset in light of such good news. He tearfully responded, "If only I had known what you were doing all these years, I would have given you all of my business -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Japanese Bride Japanese Bride A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, she accidentally lets out a big fart. She looked up and said: "So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Let's Pretend Let's Pretend A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves in the same sleeping compartment of an overcrowded train. After the initial awkward embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man, with a wry glint in his eye, responded, "I've got a better idea.......let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggled the woman. "Good," he said. "Get your own blanket." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Little Old Couple Walked Slowly Into Mcdonald's The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking, "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking, "That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady, "Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "The teeth." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Looking Back Looking Back A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night? she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,"Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know.....I would have gotten out today. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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