3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
50 Redneck Jokes
This is page 4 of 5 pages displaying a total of 50 Redneck jokes.
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Redneck Computer User Redneck Computer User 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter." 2. The keyboard is in camouflage. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 4. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU. 5. The password is "bubba." 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to 5. 7. Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck. 8. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. 9. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 10. The printer goes real slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label and Old Milwaukee options. 13. Jeff Foxworthy .WAV files. 14. The monitor is up on blocks. 15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk. 16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 17. The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty with "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background. 18. The six front keys have rotted out. 19. John Deere pocket protectors. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Redneck Family Tree Redneck Family Tree Many many years ago when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters more, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mom And it makes me very blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. So if my wife is my grandma, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandma, I am my own grandpa! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Redneck Letter Redneck Letter - from a redneck mother to her son.... Dear Redneck Son, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out.Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother........... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. You may also be a redneck if.... - You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH." - You take a six-pack cooler to church. - Your family tree has no forks. - You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. - You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. - You use a weedeater in your living room. - You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Redneck Wedding Night Redneck Wedding Night Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony, are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Booneville, Arkansas. They’ve abstained from the dirty deed until this very night. Justas Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know...this ain’t just our first time...this here is my first time ever. I’m a virgin. I been savin’ myself just for you. ""Whut you say, Mary Sue?" "I said, I’m a virgin...one hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on ourweddin’ night.""Yor a VIRGIN??" "That’s right, Billy Joe. Please be gentle." "Gentle?? Gentle my ass. I’m outta here! "With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, slams out the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives back home across the tracks. "Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yor not gonna believe this." "Huh?" Billy Joe, whut the hell you doin’ here? It’s 3 a.m. on yor weddin’night.Why the hell ain’t you and that purdy new wife of yors in a haystack somewhere makin’ like rabbits?""Paw, I wuz all set to do just that when Mary Sue up and tells me that she’s a virgin." "A VIRGIN??" "That’s right, Paw...a hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me Igot the hell outta there as fast as I could." "Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing, cuz if she ain’t good enough fer her own family, she certainlyain’t good enough fer ours." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Some Down South Funnies Some Down South Funnies Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. What's the most popular pickup line in Alabama? Nice tooth! How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say 'I've got a leak in my sink' and the person at the front desk says 'go ahead.' Where was the toothbrush invented? Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, " 'bout what?" What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I40. Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? Cuz 17 and under are not admitted. What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Southern Medical Terms SOUTHERN MEDICAL TERMS Benign......................... What you be after you be eight. Artery......................... The study of paintings. Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............... A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................... A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate......................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................... A small lie. Genital........................ Non-Jewish person. G. I. Series..................... World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates. Node........................... I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative................. A letter carrier. Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................... Damn near killed him. Secretion...................... Hiding something Seizure........................ Roman emperor. Tablet......................... A small table. Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... More than one. Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out Varicose....................... Near by/close by -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Southern Naming Technique Southern Naming Technique An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has? "Ten boys." "And their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." "All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?" "That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'" "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I calls him by his last name." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Southern Sayings... SOUTHERN SAYINGS... 1) "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." 2) "It's been hotter'n a goat's ass in a pepper patch." 3) "He fell slap out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." 4) "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed." 5) "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm." 6) "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." 7) "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull." 8) "Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining." 9) "He's as country as cornflakes." 10) "This is gooder'n grits." 11) "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor." 12) "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." 13) "It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock." NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South. 1) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. 2) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4) You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. 5) Remember: "Y'all is singular." "All y'all is plural." All y'all's is plural possessive." 6) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you." 7) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either. 8) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy." "Fixin'" as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store" is 2nd. And "Y'all" is 3rd. 9) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember this: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 10) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. 11) Most Southerners do not use turn signals; then ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. 12) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 13) The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. 14) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. 15) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. 16) Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Stumpy And His Wife Martha Went To The State Fair Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if either of you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Finals Of The National Poetry Contest Last Year The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists, one was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family, well-bred, well-connected. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem. Slowly across the desert sand Treked the dusty caravan, Men on camels two by two Destination- Timbuktu. The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: Tim and me a-hunting' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent, They was three and we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
