3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
60 Doctor Jokes
This is page 4 of 6 pages displaying a total of 60 Doctor jokes.
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It Pays To Be Nice To Your Nurse When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I hav to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed unde his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Joe Was Successful In His Career Joe was successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his social and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally found a doctor who identified the problem. "The good news is that I can cure your headaches, however, the bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine which causes the headaches. The only way to relieve the pressure is to surgically remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for facing such a choice. Nonetheless, he decided there was nothing he could do but go under the knife. When he left the hospital he felt like he left an important part of himself behind. But as he walked down the street, he realized his headaches were gone and he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "Why not? Let me start out with a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job" replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and...16 1/2 neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." came the reply. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. The salesman then asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34. A size 34 will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Making The Rounds... Making The Rounds... A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Medical People When a group of doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital: the allergists voted to scratch it; the dermatologists preferred no rash moves; the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it; the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein; the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve"; the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception; the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the orthopedists issued a joint resolution; the parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst"; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"; the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"; the proctologists said, "We are in arrears"; the psychiatrists thought it was madness; and finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it; the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow; the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter"; the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward; the D.O.s thought they were being manipulated; the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water; the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no; and the otologists were deaf to the idea. Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Medical Stories That Are Most Unusual MEDICAL STORIES THAT ARE MOST UNUSUAL INNER SKELETON - ------------- A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. FEMALE SOFA - ---------- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. PRICKLY PAIR - ----------- In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. PING PONG ANYONE? - ---------------- A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed, along with a ping pong ball. BLIND DRUNK - ---------- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!) - ---------------------- A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in he head until she let go. ______________________________________________________ -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Morris The Loudmouth Mechanic Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his = hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Mr. Silverberg, Mr. Silverberg, was living the last days of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tina asked if there was anything wrong. Yes, Nurse Tina," said Mr. Silverberg, "my penis died today." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Silverberg, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Silverberg was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tina. "Mr. Silverberg," she said, "I thought you told me your penis had died?" "It did," he replied. "Today's the viewing." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Pay Attention! Pay attention! Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation." I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Queen Elizabeth Was Visiting Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll become swollen. "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed." On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God", screamed the queen, "what's going on in there??" The Doctor replied, "same problem, better health plan." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Rare Disorder Rare Disorder The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex." "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" "Big tits" replied the Pope. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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