3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
48 Holiday Jokes
This is page 4 of 5 pages displaying a total of 48 Holiday jokes.
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On Christmas Morning A Cop On Horseback On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top of it." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Political Christmas Guide Political Christmas Guide Republicans say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!" Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street. Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws. Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning. When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a "Bud." When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television. Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it. Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids. Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls. Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights. Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard." Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen. Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season. Republicans do too, all year round. Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again. Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls." Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas." Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas." Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree. Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices. Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years. Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians." Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win. Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus. Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Reindeer Reindeer According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had to be a female...... We should've known this when they were able to find their way!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Santa Claus Is A Woman SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit heir ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Santa Quits SANTA QUITS T'was the Night before Christmas Old Santa was pissed, He cussed out the elves, and threw down his list. "Miserable little brats, Ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind, To scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night, The elves want more money, And the reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought That things would get better, The IRS, They sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes, If that ain't damn funny... Who the hell ever Sent Santa any money? And the kids these days, They are all the pits. They want the impossible, Those mean little shits. I spent a whole year Making wagons and sleds with no request for them. They want computers and Robots, They think I am IBM. If you think that is bad, Picture this... Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss. They pull on my nose, They grab at my beard And if I don't smile, The parents think I'm weird. Flying through the air, Dodging the trees. Falling down chimneys, And skinning my knees. I quit this job, There's just no enjoyment I'm going to sit on my fat ass And collect unemployment. There is no Christmas this year Now you know the reason, I found me a blonde and heading south for the season -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Santa's Hard Day Santa's Hard Day One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. He went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. He began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it? Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Ouch!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Supreme Court Xmas Ruling SUPREME COURT XMAS RULING The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Thanksgiving Without Martha! Thanksgiving Without Martha! Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce leaves stains. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Dressing The Dressing One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, un-stuffed it, re-stuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in the oven. When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Night Before Christmas The Night Before Christmas And all through the house, everyone felt shitty, even the mouse. Mom on the toilet, and Dad smoking grass - I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass. Outside my window I heard such a clatter, I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter. When out on the roof I saw some old prick - I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat of out hell, I knew in a second the fucker had fell! He filled all the stockings with whiskey and beer, and a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer. Then he rose up the chimney with a thundering fart, the son of a bith blew my chimney apart! He swore and he cussed as he rode out of sight . . . "PISS ON YOU ALL, IT'S BEEN A HELL OF A NIGHT!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
