3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 4 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Being In Charge BEING IN CHARGE All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. The brain said, "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". The blood said, "I should be in charge, because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." The stomach said, "I should be in charge, because I process food and give all of you energy." The legs said, "I should be in charge, because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." The eyes said, "I should be in charge, because I allow the body to see where it goes." The rectum said, "I should be in charge, because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story...... You don't have to be important to be in charge.... Just an asshole!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Book Titles Book Titles REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS: 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 3. Fox In Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5. Horton Hires a Ho 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You? 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 10. The Cat in the Blender 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out! 12. Are You My Proctologist? 13. Yentl the Lentil 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 15. Aunts in My Pants "Little Golden Books That Never Made It" 1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Dad's New Wife Robert 4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go to Hell 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11. Some Kittens Can Fly 12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 13. Grandpa Gets a Casket 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 19. You Were an Accident 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games 22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 23. Your Nightmares Are Real 24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Chicken Soup For The Beer Drinker CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER Sometimes, when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. --Jack Handy I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. ----Ernest Hemingway When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -Dave Barry Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862! To some it's a six-pack, to others it's a Support Group. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Close Your Eyes.....and Go Back........ Close your eyes.....And go back........ Go back before the Internet or the MAC, Before semiautomatics and crack Before chronic and indo Before SEGA or Super Nintendo Way back........ I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk. Sittin' on the porch, Hot bread and butter. Eatin' a super dooper sandwich, (Dagwood), Red light, Green light. Chocolate milk, Lunch tickets, Penny candy in a brown paper bag. Hopscotch, butterscotch, doubledutch, Jacks, kickball, dodgeball, y'all! Mother, May I? Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds, Jaw breakers, blowpops, Mary Janes, Running through the sprinkler (I can't get wet! All right, well don't wet my hair....) The smell of the sun and lickin' salty lips.... Wait...... Catchin' lightening bugs in a jar, Playin sling shot and Red Rover. When around the corner seemed far away, And going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Bedtime, Climbing trees. A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Sittin on the curb, Jumpin down the steps, Jumpin on the bed. Pillow fights. Being tickled to death, Runnin' till you were out of breath, Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Being tired from playin'.... Remember that? I ain't finished just yet... Licking the beaters when your Mama made a cake. When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym." When nearly everyone's Mama was at home when the kids got there. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When your Mama wore nylons that came in two pieces. When you'd collect empty Co-cola bottles and turn them in for candy and maybe have a few cents left over. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. Gas was 25 cents a gallon. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed.....and did! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Disapproval of our parents and grandparents was a much bigger threat! Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." Catching lightning bugs could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred to anyone over 20. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when Daddy would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Nobody was prettier than Mama. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the county fair. Getting a few inches of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures. No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Pine cones or corn cobs were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life!!!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Coke (the Drink) Trivia Coke (the DRINK) Trivia 1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. 4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion. 7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. 9. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 10. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials. 11. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Confucius Say... CONFUCIUS SAY... * PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER'S WEB, SOON LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY. * VIRGINITY LIKE BUBBLE, ONE PRICK ALL GONE. * MAN WHO RUN IN FRONT OF CAR GET TIRED. * MAN WHO RUN BEHIND CAR GET EXHAUSTED. * MAN WITH HAND IN POCKET FEEL COCKY ALL DAY. * FOOLISH MAN GIVE WIFE GRAND PIANO, WISE MAN GIVE WIFE UPRIGHT ORGAN. * MAN WHO WALK THRU AIRPORT TURN STILE SIDEWAYS GOING TO BANGKOK. * MAN WITH ONE CHOP STICK GO HUNGRY. * MAN WHO SCRATCHES ASS SHOULD NOT BITE FINGER NAILS. * MAN WHO EAT MANY PRUNES GET GOOD RUN FOR MONEY. * BASEBALL IS WRONG, MAN WITH FOUR BALLS CANNOT WALK. * PANTIES NOT BEST THING ON EARTH BUT NEXT TO BEST THING ON EARTH. * WAR DOESN'T DETERMINE WHO IS RIGHT, WAR DETERMINES WHO IS LEFT. * WIFE WHO PUT HUSBAND IN DOGHOUSE SOON FIND HIM IN CATHOUSE. * MAN WHO FIGHT WITH WIFE ALL DAY GET NO PIECE AT NIGHT. * IT TAKE MANY NAILS TO BUILD CRIB BUT ONE SCREW TO FILL IT. * MAN WHO DRIVE LIKE HELL BOUND TO GET THERE. * MAN WHO STAND ON TOILET IS HIGH ON POT. * MAN WHO LIVES IN GLASS HOUSE SHOULD CHANGE CLOTHES IN BASEMENT. * MAN WHO FISHES IN OTHER MAN'S WELL OFTEN CATCHES CRABS. * MAN WHO FARTS IN CHURCH SITS IN OWN PEW. * CROWDED ELEVATOR SMELLS DIFFERENT TO MIDGET. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Conversion Factors Conversion Factors Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle 365. 25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16. 5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurts Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 500 millinaries: 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds 1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 453. 6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo 100 rations: 1 C-ration 10 millipedes: 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Daily Moment Of Zen DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. It is always darkest just before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it. 3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you are not getting any. 4. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. Don't squat with your spurs on. 13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 14. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. 15. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 16. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 18. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Definitions Definitions Coffee- person who is coughed upon gargoyle- an olive flavored mouthwash balderdash- a rapidly receding hairline pokemon- a Jamaican proctologist testicle- a humorous question on an exam lymph- to walk with a lisp rectitude-the formal , dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you circumvent-the opening in your boxer shorts -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Definitions By Gender Definitions by Gender THINGY (thing-ee) n. __female: Any part under a car's hood. __male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. __female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. __male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. __female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. __male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. __female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger. __male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. __female: A desire to get married and raise a family. __male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. __female: A good movie, concert, play or book. __male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. __female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. __male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. __female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. __male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. __female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. ____male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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