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304 Religious Jokes
This is page 4 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Creation Creation On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years." The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "You are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years." The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed. On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span." The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed. On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span." The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed. AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Details Details Details Details One day George was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot, won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the fifth race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessings on for the 6th. race. The priest showed, blessed the horse, George bet on it, and it won! George was elated. As the day wore on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses for each race, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM machine and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet, every cent he owned, and watched the horse come in dead last. George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants....... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Donation Donation Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $2,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Eve Became Upset When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting ribs." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Even Church Can Be Funny Even Church Can Be Funny I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but, were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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God Created Man God Created Man You all know, in the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then he created man. God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord. What do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam went down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and found the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God,His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam asked, "What's a headache? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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God's Take On Lawns: GOD'S TAKE ON LAWNS: Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns: God: Hey St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect "no maintenance" garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it ... sometimes twice a week. God: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? St. Francis: Yes, Sir. God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. St. Francis: You are not going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose? St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. God: And where do they get this mulch? St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Sister Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? Sister Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..... God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Golfing Nun Golfing Nun A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." " Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Good Old Fred Good Old Fred Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Got A Letter From My Grandma The Other Day Got a letter from my Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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