3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 4 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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Twas The Night Before Y2k, 'Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation. The chips were replaced In computers with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there. While some folks could think They were snug in their beds Others had visions Of dread in their heads. And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac Had just logged on the Net And kicked back with a snack. When over the server, There arose such a clatter I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter. But he was away, So I flew like a flash Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash. When what with my wandering eyes Should I see? My good old Mac Looked sick to me. The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug, I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug! His image downloaded In no time at all, He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall! Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compaq, And Pentium too! All processors big, All processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all! As I drew in my breath And was turning around, Out through the modem, He came with a bound. He was covered with fur, And slung on his back Was a sack full of virus's, Set for attack. His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry! As midnight approached, though Things soon became scary. He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning, And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive stopped spinning. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink, All things electronic Soon went on the blink. He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line, He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign? Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty cry, Happy Y2K to all, Kiss your PC's goodbye! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Twas The Week After Christmas TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING NOT EVEN A MOUSE. I TURNED ON THE POWER BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING I GRAB THE COMPUTER AND START BANGING AND JERKING. I LAID OUT THREE GRAND FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK ON JANUARY 1ST THE DAMN THING WENT "KERPLUNK"! WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER. I TURNED ON THE TV THE CABLE IS DOWN MY MICROWAVE OVEN IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS. MY NEW VCR IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING NOT EVEN THE CLOCK. IT'S TWENTY BELOW THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON THE FURNACE WON'T WORK THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED AT A WORSE TIME I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE ON MY BEHIND. I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK IN REGARDS TO MY MONEY. "WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION AND SAVINGS WITH CARE BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE WE WERE Y2K READY WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU YOUR BALANCE IS...ZERO"! I DROP THE RECEIVER TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH. I TURNED ON THE FAUCET NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK I HEAD OUT THE DOOR TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK. I JUMP IN THE CAR TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH IT ONLY GOES "CLICK" I SCREAM,"SON OF A BITCH!" A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE NOT SET UP FOR THE "2000" DATE. I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN THIS CANNOT BE TRUE NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO. SHOUTING OBSCENITIES AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT HAPPY Y2K TO ALL IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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User Error Code User Error Code I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rich, the computer guy, to come over to my office. Rich clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T user error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" Rich grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T user error code before?" No," I replied. Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." I wrote, I D 1 0 T -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Virus Alert virus alert This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of... THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did) THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus.... (Deletes all old files) THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted) THE PROZAC virus.... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) ...and my personal favorite... THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Windows 98 Southern Edition Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver. Also note: The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse" My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption" Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys" Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard" Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive" Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs" Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION: OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat Reset . . . . . . . . try er agin Yes . . . . . . . . . yep No . . . . . . . . . . noop Find . . . . . . . . . hunt fer it Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder Back . . . . . . . . back yonder Help . . . . . . . hep me out here Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit Start . . . . . . . . crank er up Settings . . . . . . settins Programs . . . . . stuff at duz stuff Documents . . . stuff ah done did Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98: Tiperiter . . . . . . . . A word processing program Colerin book . . . . . a graphics program Cyferin mersheen . calculator Outhouse paper . . notepad Jjupe-box . . . . . . . CD Player Inner-net . . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 4.0 Pichers . . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer Revenuer . . . . . . . . MS accounting software Sneaky revenuer . . Acct'g software with hidden file Tax records . . . . . . usually an empty file Coon dog . . . . . . . American kennel club records We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all! Billy Bob Gates Head Honcho -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Have Just Received The Amish Virus. You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of the files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book. Thank thee. Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop BANG! /Its an Amish drive-by -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Bumper Stickers We'd All Love To See COMPUTER BUMPER STICKERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding 2. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cobol The COBAL Programmer Jack was once a COBOL programmer in the late 1990's who (after years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, etc.) was finally getting some respect. You see, he'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. However, several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. By the end of 1997 Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until 2001 through their totally automated (and very expensive) process. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2001; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap year, and the dust had settled. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2001 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually 8,000 years later, not the year 2001. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that had a striking resemblance to Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Computer Definitions Subject: Computer Acronyms ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System And straight from the B-Files (as in Bateman) :) PHONE - Peculiar Hum Offends Near Ear ACD - All Calls Dropped VRU - Vocabulary Restricted Utterances PAGER - Personal Agitation Gyrations Entangle Recipient EMAIL - Electronic Miscommunication And Insignificant Letters ... like this one -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Computers: Male Or Female? A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be referred to as "HE" because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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