3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
110 Political Jokes
This is page 4 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
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Confusion For Senior Citizens In Voting Booth CONFUSION FOR SENIOR CITIZENS IN VOTING BOOTH For Esther Gertz, an 87-year-old resident in Palm Beach County, voting for the president wasn't as easy as one would assume. "I meant to vote for Gore," Ms. Gertz said, "but I got confused and accidentally confessed my sins." Former Secretary of State Warren Christopher says that this is an increasing problem with the way the voting process is carried out. "People sometimes forget that they are in this booth to vote," he said at a press conference. "One elderly gentleman wanted to vote for Gore, but wound up thinking he was stuck in an elevator. This is an injustice to the Democratic process." Indeed it is for a large community of senior citizens in the sunshine state. "I don't think those booths work," Ira Maskowitz has said time and time again to the pigeons in the park. "I pulled the lever, came out, and not one picture of me to speak of!" Mr. Maskowitz is now suing the election committee for his two dollars back. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Crossing The Jordan River Crossing the Jordan River Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins are coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one Of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprised registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore; Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dear Abby, Dear Abby, I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and murder of a teenage boy in1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street, and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.... Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Gore? Signed, Worried About My Reputation -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dear Abby, Dear Abby, My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He's a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he's a lying cheat, but they avoid the issues. He is a hard worker, but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he first denies it all, then admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he's a cheat. I don't know what to do. Frustrated. Dear Frustrated, Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dear Mom And Dad: Dear Mom and Dad: It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me. Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down. Ok? Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast. In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up. We would get married now but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about before hand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad! Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter. Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know -- there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life. HOWEVER, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Chelsea -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dear Mr. President: Dear Mr. President: I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically: Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broaddrick. Are there any others that we should know about? Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until he was about 10 or so to discuss it with him, but now he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "IS" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie, "Wag The Dog", could be plausible after all. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral. Thank you for the 72 House and Senate witnesses who have plead the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democrat campaign fund raising. Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonments from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. Please give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Did You Hear About Clinton Addressing A Grade School Class And Asking For Did you hear about Clinton addressing a grade school class and asking for an example of a disaster? First kid answered if the teacher was hit and killed by a car it would be a disaster. Bill said that is wrong. It would be an accident, not a disaster. Second kid offers that if their schoold bus was in an accident and 50 kids were killed it would be a disaster. Bill replies that it would be a loss, a great loss, but not a disaster. Little Donny from the back says, "If you were riding in Air Force One and it were hit by a missile and you and Mrs. Clinton were killed, that would be a disaster. " Clinton answers that he is right and how did he figure it out? Donny says, " Well, it would not be an accident and it certainly would not be a great loss." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dr. Seuss Strikes Again!!! Dr. Seuss Strikes Again!!! Can we count them with our nose? Can we count them with our toes? Should we count them with a band? Should we count them all by hand? If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out! I will not let this vote count stand I do not like them, AL GORE I am! Can we change these numbers here? Can we change them, calm my fears? What do you mean, Dubya has won? This is not fair, this is not fun Lets count them upside down this time Lets count until the state is mine! I will not let this VOTE count stand! I do not like it, AL GORE I am! I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit! You have not heard the last of it! I'll count the ballots one by one And hold each one up to the sun! I'll count, recount, and count some more! You'll grow to hate this little chore But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand! I do not like it, Al Gore I am! I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here! I've glued my desk chair to my rear! Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too, all telling me that I should sue! We find the Electoral College vile! RECOUNT the votes until I smile! We do not want this vote to stand! We do not like it, AL GORE I am! How shall we count this ballot box? Let's count it standing in our socks! Shall we count this one in a tree? And who shall count it, you or me? We cannot, cannot count enough! We must not stop, we must be tough! I do not want this vote to stand! I do not like it AL GORE I am! I've counted till my fingers bleed! And still can't fulfill my counting need! I'll count the tiles on the floor! I'll count, and count, and count some more! And I will not say that I am done! Until the counting says I've won! I will not let this vote count stand! I do not like it, AL GORE I am! What's that? What? What are you trying to say? You think the current count should stay? You do not like my counting scheme? It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams? Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see! Your only care should be for me! I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND! I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM! YEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dubya Rides Again Dubya Rides Again George Dubya Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you." Queen Elizabeth calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" So Dubya calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you." So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Colin Powell says, "It's me!" So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell." And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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First 100 Hours First 100 Hours It has been a long standing American tradition to judge presidents by their first 100 days in office. I think we can learn about a president much, much sooner. So, let's take a look at Bush's first 100 hours in office: Hour one: Phoned Al Gore and said, "Guess where I'm calling from." Hour four: Started a search for corners in the Oval Office. Hour 16: Plan first overseas trip -- to Mexico. Hour 35: Found Super Glue in Oval Office junk drawer and glued eyes shut. Hour 47: Announced plans to restore normal diplomatic relations with Cuba Gooding Jr. Hour 58: Hid under the breakfast table because the leprechaun on the Lucky Charms box frightened him. Hour 65: At CIA briefing asked if they still use the "cone of silence" like they did on "Get Smart." Hour 86: Pulled out paper money from wallet to see if he was on any of them yet. Hour 73: Bored, he wandered into Oval Office and asked Dick Cheney if he could help. Cheney said, "Uh, No." Hour 100: Walked around the Oval Office with pants down around ankles yelling, "Look, I'm President Clinton." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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