3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 40 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Near Death Experience Monday I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Ice Cream Man You need to have a British sense of humor (ahem - that would be humour) to fully understand this. There is an explanation of some of the terms following the joke..... Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But there's no sign of Carlos. A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. "Where is Carlos?, Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?" He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he spots Carlos. He's lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits. "Get back kids," he shouts. Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the police station. "Sarge, get someone down here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos the ice-cream man... ... He's topped himself." --------------------------- Being English myself I don't have any problems understanding this joke, but if you are not familiar with the English way of life, then you probably are not aware that we have ice-cream vans everywhere - much more than the USA, and many are run by Italians. We still have coppers (policeman) who walk the streets rather than drive around in cars, and the phrase "to top oneself" means to take your own life. Cor blimey - does it make sense now mate? -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Wife Control There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two blokes were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Ghost A professor at Auburn University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student from (Kentucky)replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said "goats." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Broken Leg An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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New Announcement A new announcement from the medical world - they have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 3% Vitamin E 2% aspirin 2% ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C 92% Fix-A-Flat -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Little Boy Lost A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Merlin The Wizard Note: This joke is best when you read it to yourself with the "Chap" having an upper-class English accent and "Merlin" a gruff old voice. A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says: Chap - You're Merlin aren't you? Merlin - Why yes ..it's nice to be recognised! Chap - Bit of a Wizard ..I hear? Merlin - Well Yes .. I've been told I'm skilled Chap - Do tricks and things ..don't ya.. Magical stuff? Merlin - Magical ... yes that's correct Chap - Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that right Merlin - Well Yes ..I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog! Chap - Ever Mucked up ..Ya know, made a mistake? Merlin - Well Yes ...hasn't everyone? Chap - Can you reverse a curse? Merlin - Yes I can ... with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it ....Why ? Chap - I'm Cursed Merlin - Really ... and how long have you been bewitched? Chap - Years..... Merlin - Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse? Chap - Yeah .. can't forget them! Merlin - What were they? Chap - something like ... Do you take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Coin Toss A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's gonads and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without even so much as a look back. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" "Oh, good heavens no" the man replies, "I work for the IRS" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Embarassing Meeting A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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