3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 41 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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In A Coma A pregnant woman from Vancouver gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Quebec came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew. " -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Ice Fishing It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Four Parachutes An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 Passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Bill Clinton said "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.," so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger, said I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world," so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute. The boy scout said "It's Ok," there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Pills An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner.... The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table; breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!" "I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes." "Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "We just won't eat at that restaurant any more.............." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Giving Up Drugs Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Genie In The Lamp A man was walking on a highway when he discovered a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said,"I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I never have gone to Hawaii because I never could afford it. Could you make a highway from here to Hawaii so I could just drive over anytime?" The genie sighed and said, "Man, I have been in this genie business for 10,000 years. I am quite tired. Can't you think of something a little more simple?" The man thought and said, "Well, you know, I have been married to my wife for 5 years now but I still can't understand her. Can you make it so I can understand her from now on?" The genie sighed again and said, "Two lanes or four?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Monkey Signs A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Redneck Birth Control After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that they had enough children and it was time to do something about birth control. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the man to go home, light a cherry bomb, put it into a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said, "I may not be the smartest guy on the block, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, and putting it next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor assured the man that the procedure was guaranteed to work. The man left the doctor's office and when we arrived home, he lit a cherry bomb and put it into a beer can. Then, he held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5." The man paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand........ -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Gorilla A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Catcher." When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the guy asks, "Is it male or female?" "Male," he replies. "Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states. An hour later, the Gorilla Catcher shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man the handcuffs and the shotgun. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke at the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rottweiler will move in and bite the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across himself for protection, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!" The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?" The Gorilla Catcher replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you shoot that Rottweiler!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Getting The Family Together An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!" She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees. He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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