3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 42 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Getting The Family Together An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!" She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees. He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Married 3 Times "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Party Time A man left for work one Friday afternoon, but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Goldfish Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your @#$%&*# cat." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Word Perfect Helpline This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitored by the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!) "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor? "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now." "Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too f ** g stupid to own a computer." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Fat Man Little Johnny and his dad went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when Johnny says to his dad, "Look at that man in front of us, daddy, he's fat!" His dad notices the man but politely tells Johnny, "That's not a nice thing to say." Little Johnny continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, he's REALLY fat!" His dad says, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and stop saying those things." Just then the man's pager went off 'BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...' Little Johnny yells, "Watch out dad, he's backing up!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Remembering When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75 years old sitting on a park bench near J. C. Penny and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said: "I have a 30 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee." I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: " He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afernoon." I said: "Well, so why are you crying?" She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am." I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Calm! Pushing a cart down a supermarket aisle, a man passed a woman whose cart carried a four-year-old girl. As he walked by, he heard the mother saying, "Take it easy, Natasha. It won't be long. We have only three more items to buy." A few minutes later, he passed the same woman in another aisle. As the little girl looked at the items on the shelves, the woman crooned in a soothing voice, "It's okay, Natasha. We're almost finished. Nothing to get upset about, Tasha dear. We'll be outside in no time at all." When the man reached the checkout counter, the woman was paying for her groceries. "Excuse me," he said. "I'd like to compliment you on the way you kept your daughter calm while you did your shopping. I overheard some of the soothing things you were saying to Natasha here to keep her from getting upset." The woman looked puzzled for a few seconds, then laughed. "You've got it all wrong," she said. "My daughter's name is Kate. I'm Natasha." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Funeral Home A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" "No," she insists. "My husband wanted it to be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director, " Thank You, that is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?" He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another man was brought in, this one wearing a dark blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so, I switched the heads...... -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Deathbed Confession Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I have to confess to you that I slept with both your sister and your best friend." "I already know honey," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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