3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 45 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Bad Superbowl Joke A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the SuperBowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away." "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?" "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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True Love The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking -- look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more! The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking -- that poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them! As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for them to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "The teeth." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Hunting In Idaho A Salt Lake pheasant hunter took his son to Idaho to do a little shooting, but all of the good fields were posted "No Trespassing." Being a good law abiding pheasant hunter (as surely all Utah pheasant hunters are), the man left his son by their car and went to the farm house to ask the farmer if they might hunt in his fields. He assured the farmer that no damage would be done to his fields or fences, and the farmer said that he would allow the hunting in his fields, if the hunter would do him a favor. "You see that old horse over there by your car?. Well, he's old, and he's got miseries. But he's sort of a family pet, and I can't bring myself to shoot him. Will you shoot him for me?" The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his car, he decided to play a joke on his son. As he approached the car his son asked, "Well, can we hunt the fields?" The man pretending to be angry, responded "You know these farmers, they won't let anybody hunt here. It makes me so mad, I could...I could...", and the man picked up his gun and shot the farmers horse. But to his surprise, he heard additional gunshots behind him. He turned around and his son said, "You got his horse. I got his dog and cow. Now, let's get out of here!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Locker Room There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... " "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... " "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000 ... " "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else ... " "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... " "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... " "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye ... I do too ... " The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present, "Okay... who's phone is this?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Bald Eagle A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime... The Judge asked the man "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offence?" "Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." "You may proceed." "I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing some fish. I thought 'if I startled the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish.' Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." The judge says he will take a recess to analyse the defendant's testimony. 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?" "Well your honour, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Topless Restaurant Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening. On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car. "Awwwww come on" I said. "It wasn't that bad." "Your ordering didn't help matters" she said fuming. "What ?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters." "ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Old Aunt Emma A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Three Corporate Lessons Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there a cow came by and dropped some dung on the bird. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The Morals of this story are: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Life Is A Test Life's a test - and you're graded on a curve At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is...having friends. At age 16, success is...having a driver's license. At age 20, success is...having sex. At age 35, success is...having money. At age 50, success is...having money. At age 60, success is...having sex. At age 70, success is...having a driver's license. At age 75, success is...having friends. At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Picture Perfect A certain senator was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the Senator incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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