3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 46 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Hiring An Irishman A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99." Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99" The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!" Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Wet Rabbit A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him. "I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Goddamn it Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Just Like Dave A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, " Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." The passenger said, "Who?" The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect." The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood." The rider said, "No wonder you remember him." The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave." The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?" The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Dying Relatives A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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It All Adds Up Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Stone Blind Love Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably." "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'" Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Three Little Pigs And Other Kids STORIES A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'". Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?". One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!, he said,'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'". (The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.) ________________________________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?". Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." ___________________________________________________________________ An honest seven-year-old girl admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." ___________________________________________________________________ One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Momma?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for awhile, and then said,"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" __________________________________________________________________ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead." __________________________________________________________________ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position,the blood doesn't run into my feet?" the teacher asked. A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty." __________________________________________________________________ For weeks, a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day his mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Threes A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual was about to happen. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month. Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win. The horse ran third. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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The Farmhand How Did It Happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Three Engineering Students Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. The first one said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." The second said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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