3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 47 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Three Engineering Students Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. The first one said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." The second said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Cat Food A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time." When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket,and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day. Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died . The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him! He fell off the mantel while he was licking himself." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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New Survivor SERIES In response to the success of "Survivor," Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style". The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, down to Houston and Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, up to Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns". The first one back to Dallas wins. -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Pre-birth Class When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Visit To The GYNECOLOGIST A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," said the Doctor, "You've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange . . ." "Let me be the judge of that," the Doctor replied. "Well," she said,"yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "Yesterday afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh." "Last night," she went on," there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her should "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about . . . You're simply going through the change." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Jumper Cable NECKTIE A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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A Piece Of Candy Little BOY? An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll just have to live with it!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Lion Tamers A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Assylum Pun This psychiatrist is doing his rounds of his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the pychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?" The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?" The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goerring." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Wedding Night On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last....if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex..." The groom replied: "Okay sweetheart. Just make we aware that when I come home, I usually have a drink... If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two.... your hair won't matter! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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