3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 48 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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I'm Gay An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?" The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!" The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane." At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!" Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Wolf Man The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Polar Bear A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, " Can I have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic please?" The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?" Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Slingshot A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Obviously, his release was denied. Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place". Again, he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions." So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down." "Good," they said, and then what?" He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating." They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what"? "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed." "Yes?, they said excitedly. "Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued. The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?" He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!! -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Lettuce A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter to his wife: "NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Roller Coaster What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Desert Island One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship,"he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of good bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Jesus! ... Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!" -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Mine Collapse There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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Sexuall Harasment A women goes to her boss on moring and reports a sexual harasment her boss ask what happened.She said that a co-worker told her that her hair smelled nice,her boss asked whats so wrong with that.She replied angry he was a miget -- Anonymous |
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Sorry Didn't Hear You A man walks into a bar, Get's a pint and sits down, while viewing the people in the bar he see's an old man sat on his own in the corner of the room. He walk up to the man and says "do i know you" the old man reply's "No i don't think so son" the man says "yes, wait a minute your that van gough" "your right but don't tell anyone""No, no i won't can i buy you a drink" No it's O'K i've got one ere" -- Wingnut |
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