3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 49 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Down The Pan What's the difference between a bartender and a toilet seat? Toilet seat only has to deal with one asshole at a time! -- Jimmy |
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Blonde Joke On a sunny afternoon one day...a blonde turns to her husband and says, " Oh Look honey!! There is a cow outside our window!!" To which the husband turns and says, "First of all honey, we live in the city...and there is no such thing as cows in the city.....and second of all......thats not a window, thats a mirror!!!" -- Samantha |
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Legal Moron Lawsuits In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin, and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates from 1997 through last year. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and show (in the good old USA) with the proper attorney and right jury you could be awarded anything! (O.J. had to wait for his second trial to get his financial comeuppance. That was perhaps a rarity of "justice." The below are not rare; just plain outrageous.) 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little prick was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his the car's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard with Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. -- Anonymous |
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Water Or Coke? We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before. WATER 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. Likely applies to half world population) 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. 5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. 8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? COKE 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. This is very interesting. Check it out. For Your Information: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke? -- Anonymous |
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Pink Or Purple What is the differance between pink and purple? Your grip!! -- TR |
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Nice Try A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago. He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck. "Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, " I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!!. . . . but my friends call me "Bubba." -- Anonymous |
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Golf Injury A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!" -- Anonymous |
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Signs That You May Be Canadian SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CANADIAN!!! You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK" You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette." I just spilled my poutine. You eat chocolate bars not candy bars. You drink POP not SODA You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "party at the camp eh!!!" You dont care about the fuss with Cuba, its a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans. Pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway You drive on a highway, not a freeway You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers You know that Casey and Finnigan are not part of a Celtic Musical Group. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You know what a tuque is. You design your halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. You live in a house with no front step but yet the door is one meter from the ground. Your local paper covers the national news on 2 pages but requires 6 pages for hockey. You know four seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. You perk up when you hear the theme from Hockey Night in Canada. You are in grade 12 not the 12th grade. "EH" is a very important part of your vocabulary. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! -- Anonymous |
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Pocket A man steps in a bar and calls a Martini, a Screwdriver and a Sex on the beach. He shoots them one after the other, than looks to is shirt pocket. Disgusted, he asks back for a Jack Daniel's on the rock, a bourbon shooter and a Budweiser. He swallow down the 3 in a row again and looks back to is pocket. He's still disgusted at what he sees so the barman finally asks: What's that in your damn pocket??? The guys answer back: It's my wife's picture and I'm not leaving until she looks like Sharon Stone... -- LouXVI |
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Rules For Real Men Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When your Date is using her teeth Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional). On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. While your girlfriend must bond with your buds' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and you drew the short straw on that one). When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response... Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius? Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. -- millenniasounddesign.com |
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