3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Quotes Jokes
This is page 5 of 6 pages displaying a total of 59 Quotes jokes.
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Politically Correct Terms For those who insist on being politically correct. . . . . . She does not: GET PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE She is not: EASY She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE She does not: CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE She does not have: BIG HOOTERS Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER She does not have: A KILLER BODY She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE She is not: A BAD COOK She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE She is not: A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED She is not a: PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED She does not have: SEXY LIPS She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT She does not get: DRUNK She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED You do not ask her: TO DANCE You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE She is not: A GOSSIP She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR She does not have: A GREAT BUTT She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED She will never: GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION She does not have: A HARD BODY She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT Her breast will never: SAG They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS She does not have: BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED She does not: SNORE She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE She does not: GET DRUNK She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC She is not: TOO SKINNY She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT ====================================================================== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Poderables Subject: ponderables Did you ever wonder? 1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? 2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? 3. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? 4. How did a fool and his money GET together? 5. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 7. What's another word for thesaurus? 8. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? 9. Why is abbreviation such a long word? 10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 11. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 14. Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs? 15. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? 16. What do they use to ship styrofoam? 17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? 18. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? 19. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? 20. What was the best thing before sliced bread? - -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Ponderables A few more questions to ponder.................. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? (Only to be troubled and insecure) Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? Is it possible to be totally partial? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless, or naked? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? Bye for now! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Yet More Ponderables Thoughts to Live By.......... 1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes. 2) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.... 3) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 4) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" 5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 6) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 7) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 8) I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. 9) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals. 10) Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write "A very good doctor." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Different Ponderables Things you always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Pop down to the maternity ward and wire up those babies! If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb Who works these out! The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour So what are you waiting for? Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. Doesn't come as a surprise... does it ladies ? *grin* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. That would explain why those post office chicks are so huge. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Please inform humble little me HOW they proved this ?? Polar bears are left handed Just in case you're ever in the situation where you need to introduce yourself to one of these guys ;) The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. The length of a gorilla's penis is 1/3 that of a human Wonder who's the brave guy who did the measuring? Some lions mate over 50 times a day. Explains why they are always sleeping on wild life programs... The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long Butterflies taste with their feet. So they only ever try landing on shit once. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. They are also the only ones with four knees that face in the same direction. A cat's urine glows under a black light. Try this when U get home.... An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. So are lawyers' Starfish haven't got brains. Neither do lawyers. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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And Even More Different Poderables It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Today's subliminal thoughts are: -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Ponder This Things you always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Pop down to the maternity ward and wire up those babies! If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb Who works these out! The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour So what are you waiting for? Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. Doesn't come as a surprise... does it ladies ? *grin* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. That would explain why those post office chicks are so huge. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Please inform humble little me HOW they proved this ?? Polar bears are left handed Just in case you're ever in the situation where you need to introduce yourself to one of these guys ;) The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. The length of a gorilla's penis is 1/3 that of a human Wonder who's the brave guy who did the measuring? Some lions mate over 50 times a day. Explains why they are always sleeping on wild life programs... The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long Butterflies taste with their feet. So they only ever try landing on shit once. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. They are also the only ones with four knees that face in the same direction. A cat's urine glows under a black light. Try this when U get home.... An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. So are lawyers' Starfish haven't got brains. Neither do lawyers. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Book Prologues The Bulwar-Lytton Award goes annually to the worst opening lines in a book. Prose like this cannot be accidental. It takes real talent and deftness. If we all had this pen-mind coordination within us, the Bulwar-Lytton Award would need to find a different reason to exist. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it." "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens." "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep." "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to become the woman he loved." "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store." "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies. AND THE BEST OF ALL: "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Puns Pun Warning ______________________________________________________________________ Let me apologize right now before you read some of these. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one became known as the lesser of two weevils. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you,no charge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No I lost an electron!" "Are you sure" "I'm positive !" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Quickies ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The following is Politically incorrect - that's what makes it so fun! If a man speaks in the woods and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong? Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent ... wedding cake! In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ========================= -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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