3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 5 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Chastity Belt All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!" \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Condoms For A Cigarette Two old ladies were sitting at the bus stop smoking cigarettes one day when it started to rain. One of the old ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and put it over the cigarette. The other old lady said "Wow, that's a great idea. What is that thing?" "It's a condom". Replied the old lady. "Wow- where can I get one of those?" "Oh, any drug store or grocery store." Replied the old lady. So the next day, the old woman went into a drug store. "Hi," she told the clerk," I would like some condoms please." The clerk was surprised at the age of the lady. "Um, what size?" Asked the clerk. And the old lady replied "Oh, one that would fit a Camel." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Circumcision Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Dead Golfer Goes To Heaven A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?" "Yes, I am," he replied. St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?" The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Deductive Reasoning Deductive reasoning Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving" New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly" Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that? "New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Neighbor 1: "That is right" New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family. Neighbor 1: "Right again" New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife" Neighbor 1: "Correct" New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual" Neighbor 1: "Yup" New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Cool" Later that same day Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door" Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?" Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job" Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?" Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University" Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor 2: "No" Neighbor 1: "Fag." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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At The Doc's Office An old man had a doctor's appointment and as he was a little on the deaf side, his wife had to accompany him to make sure she knew what was going on and also to explain to her husband in case he didn't hear the doctor. "OK," said the doctor, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man didn't hear the doctor so he turned to his wife and yelled, "What does he want?" The old lady yelled back to her husband, "He wants you to leave your underpants here." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Door-to-door Salesman A salesman rings the bell at a suburban home. The door is opened by a nine year old boy puffing on a long fat cigar. Astonished, the salesman asks the young man, "Is your mother or father at home?" The young boy takes the cigar out of his mouth, flicks ashes on the carpet, and asks, "What do you think?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dormitory Rules From The Dean On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Exposed A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out. When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked. "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse." The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Epa Regulations Taken Literally A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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