3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
109 Bar Jokes
This is page 5 of 11 pages displaying a total of 109 Bar jokes.
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The Local Bar Was So Sure That Its Bartender Was The Strongest Man Around The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I’d like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Lone Ranger And Tonto Walked Into A Bar The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Old Fighter Pilot The old Fighter Pilot He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked. "I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer. Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go." The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked. "It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room. After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out. He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out? "Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There's This Guy In A Bar There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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This Guy Walks Into A Bar This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches , he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the guy sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." (Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?") Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Three Guys Are Drinking In A Bar When A Drunk Comes In Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Two Men From Arkansas Were Sitting At A Bar Two men from Arkansas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began choking on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, on Arkansas boy said, "that little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help her." He ran to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Razorback hands, and asked, "kin ya swaller?" Gaspings, she shook her head no. He then asked, "kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her on the butt! The young lady was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Arkansas boy sat back down with his friend and said, "ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Two Men From Texas Were Sitting At A Bar Two Texans Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That thar little gal is havin a bad time. I'm agonna go over thar and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Two Men Sit Drinking In The Bar Two men sit drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender overhears this, and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What......are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen!" The 1st Man says: "No, it's true, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and he 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke." The 1st Man says: "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again!" And again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it... The 2nd Man says: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, and passes the 11th....... 10th....... 9th...... And hits the sidewalk with a 'splatt.' Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the other drinker and says: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Two West Virginians Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a possum burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "D'ya thunk we otter help?" "I reckon," said the second. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head NO. > With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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