3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
77 Marriage Jokes
This is page 5 of 8 pages displaying a total of 77 Marriage jokes.
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Manny Was Almost 29 Years Old Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Marital Bliss Marital Bliss A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . " -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Marriage Counseling Marriage Counseling A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Mary Was Married To A Male Chauvinist Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work. But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Newlywed Squabbles Newlywed Squabbles Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Nice Day For A White Wedding NICE DAY FOR A WHITE WEDDING Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, keeping it simple. The child thought for a moment and said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Non-verbals Non-Verbals Her side of the story .................. He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else. *********************************************************************** His Side of the Story .................... The Packers lost. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Ole And Lena Are Getting Pretty Old OLE and Lena are getting pretty old...they're in their>80s now and they get to town every week. Well, Ole spotted this wonderful pair of alligator shoes in the window of the shoe store and boy he sure did like the looks of em. Every week while Lena was doin her shopping at the Market Basket (that is their favorite Grocery store ya know) Ole would mosey down the street to the shoe store and look at dem alligator shoes. One week he saw them running a special sale on them and he just couldn't resist so he bought them and put them on right in the store. Ven they got home Ole says to Lena: "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Lena looked him over and answered: "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?" Well Ole got a little frustrated and went into the bathroom. There he stripped right down to his complete nakedness except for dem nice looking alligator shoes. So he comes out in all his beauty, with nothing on him except his new alligator shoes and looks at Lena, and says: "So Lena, do you notice anything different?" Lena (squints) and says: "What's different Ole? It's hanging down today; it was hangin down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow." Ole gets pretty steamed at her and blurts out: "Do you know why it's hanging down, Lena? Cause it's looking at my new shoes!!!!!" Lena replies, "You should have bought a hat." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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One Stormy Night Many Years Ago One stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. Trying to get out of the rain, the couple approached the front desk hoping to get some shelter for the night. "Could you possibly give us a room here?" the husband asked. The clerk, a friendly man with a winning smile, looked at the couple and explained that there were three conventions in town. "All of our rooms are taken," the clerk said. "But I can't send a nice couple like you out into the rain at one o'clock in the morning. Would you perhaps be willing to sleep in my room? It's not exactly a suite, but it will be good enough to make you folks comfortable for the night." When the couple declined, the young man pressed on. "Don't worry about me; I'll make out just fine," the clerk told them. So the couple agreed. As he paid his bill the next morning, the elderly man said to the clerk, "You are the kind of manager who should be the boss of the best hotel in the United States. Maybe someday I'll build one for you." The clerk looked at them and smiled. The three of them had a good laugh. As they drove away, the elderly couple agreed that the helpful clerk was indeed exceptional, as finding people who are both friendly and helpful isn't easy. Two years passed. The clerk had almost forgotten the incident when he received a letter from the old man. It recalled that stormy night and enclosed a round-trip ticket to New York, asking the young man to pay them a visit. The old man met him in New York, and led him to the corner of Fifth Avenue and 34th Street. He then pointed to a great new building there, a palace of reddish stone, with turrets and watchtowers thrusting up to the sky. "That," said the older man, "is the hotel I have just built for you to manage." "You must be joking," the young man said. "I can assure you I am not," said the older man, a sly smile playing around his mouth. The older man's name was William Waldorf Astor, and the magnificent structure was the original Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. The young clerk who became its first manager was George C. Boldt. This young clerk never foresaw the turn of events that would lead him to become the manager of one of the world's most glamorous hotels. The Bible says that we are not to turn our backs on those who are in need, for we might be entertaining angels. And the lesson is . . . treat everyone with love, grace and respect, and you cannot fail! Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity! Then the other guy says; ah that ain't nothin, my wifes dumber than that! She went shoppin yesterday and had a washin machine delivered. They all laughed and laughed, as nobody around here has plumbing! The third Hillbilly said; well, I reckon my womans got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain't got no penis -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Out Of Sight ... Out of Sight ... A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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