3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
50 Redneck Jokes
This is page 5 of 5 pages displaying a total of 50 Redneck jokes.
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The Greatest Truck Driver In The World The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. "Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?" "Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young, blonde daughter in the other." "Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world. "All right," says the farmer, and they all went to bed. At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his blonde daughter, with his bare ass going up and down. He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole. "All right," he says, "if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There Were Two Old Geezers Living In The Backwoods There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks....Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim....er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!" "Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!" Every morning. Every day. Twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers come along. Builds a bridge. Still. Every morning. Every day. Another five years. Finally....Mrs. Rufus has had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it." Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up.........TURNED TAIL AND RAN, RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!! "Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered. "Rufus! cried the missus." What in tarnation is the matter?" Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge......I stepped up on the bridge.....walked halfway over the bridge....looked up....." "And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches".........he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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This Redneck Couple Get Married This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin." At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened. "Son, ya done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Redneck... Top Ten things you'll NEVER hear from a redneck... 10. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 9. Nope, no more for me, I'm driving tonight! 8. Duct tape won't fix that. 7. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 6. We don't keep firearms in this house. 5. Honey, aren't those shorts a little tight? 4. No, you can't feed that to the dog. 3. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe! 2. Honey, we don't need another pet. and the number one thing you'll never hear from a redneck: 1. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Two Rednecks, Bubba And Cooter, Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater? I sure do, answered Bubba. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," Bubba responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Impressed, Bubba shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!! "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife. "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin?" Cooter asks. "Math, history and logic," replies Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?" Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater? No. "You're queer, ain't ya?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Wanna Hear A "redneck" Joke? A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What Happens When You Teach A Redneck To Read? What happens when you teach a redneck to read? (True Story)! According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible. The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Whatcha Doin? Whatcha Doin? A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew. When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle. "Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side". -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Are A Redneck If: You are a Redneck if: You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You have a rag for a gas cap. You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. You had romantic thoughts when you heard sheep bleat. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. And finally.... your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Might Be A Redneck If: You might be a redneck if: You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
