3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
60 Doctor Jokes
This is page 5 of 6 pages displaying a total of 60 Doctor jokes.
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Redneck Birth Control REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided That was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the Husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and His wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a Beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... Also works in Tennessee and West Virginia. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Serious Surgery Serious Surgery A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered "cosmetic". The doctor then gave the man three choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 and large for $14,000. The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made. The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options. The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked. "Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Several Octogenerians Were Sitting Around Several octogenerians were sitting around the parlor in a retirement home. Two old ladies were sitting and knitting when one of them asked the other " Say Maude, did you go to see your doctor"? " Yep" Maude replied. " Well, what did he have to say"? " He said that I have acute angina". An old man prodded the guy next to him with an elbow and said " She may have a cute angina, but she sure has ugly tits". -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Southern Medical Terms SOUTHERN MEDICAL TERMS Benign......................... What you be after you be eight. Artery......................... The study of paintings. Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............... A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................... A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate......................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................... A small lie. Genital........................ Non-Jewish person. G. I. Series..................... World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates. Node........................... I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative................. A letter carrier. Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................... Damn near killed him. Secretion...................... Hiding something Seizure........................ Roman emperor. Tablet......................... A small table. Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... More than one. Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out Varicose....................... Near by/close by -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Taking Care Of The Customer Taking Care of The Customer John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he wasn't good at the salesman part of the job. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, just had about enough and warned John that if he didn't sell anything to the next customer, it would be his last one. Just then a man came in with a nagging cough and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. However, remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post in obvious physical agony. Bob had seen the whole thing, even seeing the customer leaning on the lamp post, and came over to ask John what happened with the customer. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take the stuff all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Texas Midget TEXAS MIDGET There was a midget from Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did. "Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ahhh!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip,snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side and he told the midget to pull up his pants and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching. "What did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Doctor The Doctor A young woman brought a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Breast fed." she says. "Well, strip down to your waist." He orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk." "Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I sure am glad that I'm the one that brought him in today." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Facelift... THE FACELIFT... A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Oh, well I guess that explains the goatee." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Good Samaritan The good samaritan "It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course." "What did you do?" asked the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Gynecologist The Gynecologist A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange . . ." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh" "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through the change." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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