3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
48 Holiday Jokes
This is page 5 of 5 pages displaying a total of 48 Holiday jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5
|
The Real 12 Days Of Christmas The Real 12 Days of Christmas From: Miss Agnes McHolstein December 14, 1999 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ******************************************************* From: Miss Agnes McHolstein December 15, 1999 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ****************************************************** Miss Agnes McHolstein December 16, 1999 Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes ******************************************************* Miss Agnes McHolstein December 17, 1999 Dear John: Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes **************************************************** Miss Agnes McHolstein December 18, 1999 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ****************************************************** Miss Agnes McHolstein December 19, 1999 Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes ****************************************************** Miss Agnes McHolstein December 20, 1999 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ****************************************************** Miss Agnes McHolstein December 21, 1999 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes ************************************************** Miss Agnes McHolstein December 22, 1999 Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes ***************************************************** Miss Agnes McHolstein December 23, 1999 You Rotten Prick, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it. ****************************************************** Miss Agnes McHolstein December 24, 1999 Listen! Fuckhead, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes ************************************************* Law Offices Badger, Bender and Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 25, 1999 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
The Twelve Thank-you Notes Of Christmas THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25 What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily Beloved Edward, Dec 26 The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily My darling Edward, Dec 27 You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely. Your devoted Emily Dearest Edward, Dec 28 What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly--they make telephoning almost impossible--but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. Love from Emily Dearest Edward, Dec 29 The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily Dear Edward, Dec 30 Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily Edward, Dec 31 I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily Jan 1 Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily Look here, Edward, Jan 2 This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! Emily Jan 3 As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily Jan 4 This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied. Sir, Jan 5 Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Three Wise Women Three Wise Women A Christmas Thought Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable, Made a casserole, Brought practical gifts and... There would be Peace On Earth. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Trick Or Treat TRICK OR TREAT A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will look just perfect as a pirate. Very truly yours, ACME Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel with a note that reads: Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, ACME Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company yet another nasty letter of complaint. A few days later he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: Dear Sir: Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Good luck, ACME Costume Co. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Twas The Night Before Christmas And All Through The Kitchen Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin. I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess! Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need! My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs. There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing; frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging. Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done; my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !" He looks all around and with total regret, says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet ??" As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!" Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh shit it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ?? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Twas The Week After Christmas TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING NOT EVEN A MOUSE. I TURNED ON THE POWER BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING I GRAB THE COMPUTER AND START BANGING AND JERKING. I LAID OUT THREE GRAND FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK ON JANUARY 1ST THE DAMN THING WENT "KERPLUNK"! WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER. I TURNED ON THE TV THE CABLE IS DOWN MY MICROWAVE OVEN IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS. MY NEW VCR IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING NOT EVEN THE CLOCK. IT'S TWENTY BELOW THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON THE FURNACE WON'T WORK THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED AT A WORSE TIME I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE ON MY BEHIND. I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK IN REGARDS TO MY MONEY. "WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION AND SAVINGS WITH CARE BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE WE WERE Y2K READY WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU YOUR BALANCE IS...ZERO"! I DROP THE RECEIVER TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH. I TURNED ON THE FAUCET NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK I HEAD OUT THE DOOR TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK. I JUMP IN THE CAR TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH IT ONLY GOES "CLICK" I SCREAM,"SON OF A BITCH!" A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE NOT SET UP FOR THE "2000" DATE. I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN THIS CANNOT BE TRUE NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO. SHOUTING OBSCENITIES AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT HAPPY Y2K TO ALL IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Walking Home After A Halloween Party Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac WHEN SANTA RUNS OUT OF PROZAC Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa ***** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ***** Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. Santa ***** Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa ***** Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle Dear Michelle, It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." Santa ***** Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? Santa ***** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. Santa ***** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! Santa ***** Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house. Santa ***** Dear Santa, I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please please please PLEASE, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ***** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
