3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 5 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Diary Of A Viagra Housewife Diary of a Vviagra Housewife Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed. Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears. Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5. What absolute bliss! Day 6. Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that. Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy. Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9. No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over... Day 11. I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig. Day 12. I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous... Day 13. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard. Day 14. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me. Day 15. I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did. Day16. The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17. Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again. Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dilbert's R U L E S F O R L I V I N G DILBERT'S R U L E S F O R L I V I N G I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters! from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable-if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Do You Feel Old Yet? Do you feel old yet? Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that years incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has been only one Pope. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Ping-Pong. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had cable. There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: Where's the beef?, I'd walked a mile for a Camel, or de plane, de plane! They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was. Michael Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers. There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Drawbacks To Working In A Cubicle Drawbacks to working in a cubicle 1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day! 2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me. 3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire. 4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese. 5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose. 6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right. 7) Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off. 8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet. 9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds. 10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me. 11) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Ever Wonder Why? Ever Wonder Why? Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Extreme Bumper Stickers Extreme Bumper Stickers * Support Cannibalism - EAT ME! * 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. * If we are what we eat ... I'm cheap, fast, and easy. * Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. * I don't have a license to kill ... I have a learner's permit. * Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! * I wasn't born a bitch ... men like you made me this way. * Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? * If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. * If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Fatal Things To Say When Your Wife's Pregnant Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant 1. I finished the Oreo's. 2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds. 3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby! 4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever! 5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl. 6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella. 7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt. 8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott! 9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth? 10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that? 11. Get your *own* ice cream. 12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today. 13. Got milk ? 14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney? 15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar! 16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water... 17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass! 18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger... -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Finally A Barbie I Can Relate To! Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic... 1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two muumuus with tummy-support panels are included. 5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a BB. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." 9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. 10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke. 11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Friendship On Another Note Friendship on another note For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality. When you are sad,............. I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad. When you are blue,.......... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you. When you smile,............ I'll know you finally got laid. When you are scared,......... I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are worried,......... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. When you are confused,........ I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are sick......... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have. When you fall...... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath............... I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?........ Because you're my friend. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Fun Facts FUN FACTS Debra Winger was the voice of E.T. Pearls melt in vinegar. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. Humans are the >only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications) Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. The airplane >Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = >12,345,678,987,654,321 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th." The man, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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