3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 5 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Grandpa, Did God Make You? A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't He? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Great Opportunities... GREAT OPPORTUNITIES... A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Harley Davidson Harley Davidson Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Yes, my son". "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much front end protrusion 2. It chatters at high speeds 3. The rear end wobbles too much, and 4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Health Club Health Club For Valentine's Day this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. Monday: Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO !!!) Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week !!!! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air.....then she put weights on it!! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying!! My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators ?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other BS, too. Thursday: Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire like teeth exposed as her thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my shoes.) Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine......which I sank. Friday: I hate Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world (stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be BITCH !) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to > work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me freakin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a Health and PE Instructor. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Saturday: Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my weekly planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of weather channel. Sunday: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (that Witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun.......like a root canal or bypass surgery!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Heaven Or Hell Heaven or Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Henry Ford & God Henry Ford & God Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. maintenance is very costly 4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing 5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days 6. the rear end wobbles too much, and 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Holy Matters HOLY MATTERS A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, it's nothing," says St. Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo." A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?" she asked anxiously. "Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "Someone's getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks St. Peter. "I think I'll go down to Hell, if it's all the same to you," says the lady. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "It's okay," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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I Think That: I Think That: 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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I'm Thankful For I'M THANKFUL FOR FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS NOT DOING DISHES BUT IS WATCHING T.V., BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE IS AT HOME AND NOT ON THE STREETS. FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED. FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS. FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE. FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME. FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION. FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM. FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR. FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR. FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD. FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY....... FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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In The Beginning God Created The Heavens In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that crept upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game." And God populated the earth with green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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