3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 5 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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If Toasters Were Made Like Computers If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Sony made toasters... Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time. If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If K-Tel sold toasters... They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives. the appliances. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Computer Sex SEX MANUAL FOR AMERICAN COMPUTER EXPERTS 1. Be user friendly. 2. Take bytes. 3. Fondle joystick. 4. Spread sheet. 5. Fix surge protector. 6. Activate hardware. 7. Insert disc, all the way. 8. Do it until megabytes. 9. Back it up.......... European sex manual: 1. put in 2. take out 3. repeat if necessary -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Control/alt/delete Ctrl, Alt, and Delete (Author Unknown) Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute, That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot? Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet If we had those special keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your mate, well they're just mute Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start anew, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cyberspeak There is that percentage of the on-line population of these United States who are known to frequent the cyber-world phenomenon known as the "chat room". These people no doubt are aware of various acronyms and descriptions which are commonly used in such venue's, but may not be aware of the real meaning of some of the phrases which they read and/or write on a regular basis. Following is an interpretive expose on what some of this "chat" actually means: ***CYBERSPEAK IN 12 EASY LESSONS*** Weights and Measures (Male Gender) ---------------------------------- Cyberspeak Conversion Table "10 inches" The length of a #2 pencil "very thick" The width of a #2 pencil "tall" Able to go on the big rides at Disneyland Weights and Measures (Female Gender) ------------------------------------ Cyberspeak Conversion Table "weight" Add a small beagle (i.e. 120 lbs. = 150 lbs.) "bustline" Deflate for 5 seconds (i.e. 40D = 32B) "shoe size" Add room for toes (i.e. 7 1/2 = 10) Descriptive (Male Gender) ------------------------- Cyberspeak Translation "attractive" Does not induce immediate vomiting or spontaneous internal combustion "masculine" Can grow a better mustache than his mother "sexy" Has a way with animals Descriptive (Female Gender) --------------------------- Cyberspeak Translation "attractive" Has been hit on by an adult male with less than 20% blood alcohol level (excluding relatives, lighting required) "feminine" Does not chew plug tobacco or consider bathing to be "sissy stuff" "sexy" Can legally belly dance without liability insurance CYBERSPEAK STANDARD DIALECT Intellectual Measurement Translations ------------------------------------- "genius" Agrees with you "160 IQ" Once outwitted a cocker spaniel "moron" Disagrees with you "idiot" Was outwitted by you Common Acronym Translations --------------------------- "brb" My mother is in the room "rofl" Rolling on the floor with Lassie "lol" Luvin' on Lassie "roflmao" Lassie and I have decided to get married Heckler Subdialect Translations ------------------------------- "check your Terms of Service (TOS)" I want my mommy "if you don't like it here, leave" I want my mommy "(yawn)" My brain needs more oxygen, as usual "heckler of the day" The one who laughs most at your jokes "cyberbrawl" Twenty HEK's alone in a room, late at night -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Female Periodic Table Physics Lesson Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 120 +/- Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. ----- Element: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples. Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Engineer's Cook Book *********************************************** Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books.... *********************************************** Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients: 1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten 2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein 9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) Directions: To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Engineer's Dictionary ENGINEERING DEFINITIONS...WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN!!! Major Technological Breakthrough = Back to the drawing board. Developed after years of intensive research = It was discovered by accident. Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties = We are working on something else. The designs are well within allowable limits = We just made it, stretching a point or two. Customer satisfaction is believed assured = We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us. Close project coordination = We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this. The design will be finalized in the next reporting period = We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something. A number of different approaches are being tried. We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. = It works, and are we surprised! Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem = We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while. Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive = The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. The entire concept will have to be abandoned = The only guy who understood the thing quit. Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties = We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Gates In Hell Bill Gates goes to Hell Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked. "I'll leave that up to you." God replied. "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven." "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," replied God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his delimma no matter how loud he screamed. "How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????" "Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bill Gates' New House BILL GATES BUYS A HOUSE Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. It's been over 90 days, so, this'll cost you $75, okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Bill: "Well, we won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a stacker." Bill: "A stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit around twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Mmmmm, I dunno... Well, let's go on to issue number two: This is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way." Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work." Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we've had some delays..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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News On Bill Gates In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998. "Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998." Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates." A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases. In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity conglomerates." "Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?" Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping. "If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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