3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
110 Political Jokes
This is page 5 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
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For The President For the President CRIME OF PASSION During a recent publicity outing, Hillary took off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?" BUMPER STICKER "Run Hillary Run!" bumper stickers are selling like hotcakes in New York. Democrats put them on their rear bumpers Republicans put them on the front. EVEN IN ETERNITY The Clintons were in a terrible plane crash and all three died. When they got to heaven they approached the Throne of God and God said to Chelsea, "Why should I let you in heaven?" Chelsea answered, "I am the daughter of the President, a representative of all the children in America." God said, "Very well, you may sit on my right side." Then he said to Bill,"Why should I let you in heaven?" Bill answered, "I am the President of the United States, a representative of all the people in America." God said, "Very well, you may sit on my left side." Then he said to Hillary, "Why should I let you in heaven?" Hillary answered, "I don't know, but you're in my seat!" FOOD FOR THOUGHT On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Gary Condit Gary Condit June 11, 2001 Dear Tide: I have always used your product ever since my college days, because Mom said it was the best. One weekend about three months ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine all over the shirt. My girlfriend made the comment that I have a drinking problem, and one thing led to another and soon, I had her blood all over my now not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new ULTRA TIDE. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive. I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life, and my white shirt. I must go now, I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags. Thanks again! Gary Condit -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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George W. Bush And Bill Clinton George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse." The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead. My wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Good Planning Good Planning Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3" The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman." The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!" So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about > 10 million Afghans! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Hail To The Chief HAIL TO THE CHIEF A presidential hopeful is speaking to a group of Native-Americans on their reservation. "If you elect me to the office, I promise a new car in front of every Teepee." And they all responded with a resounding, "Ooom-pah, Oom-pah." "And if you elect me to the office, I promise a $1,000 tax refund every year, even if you didn't pay any taxes." And they all responded with a resounding, "Oom-pah, Oom-pah." "And if you elect me to the office, I promise to protect your land from pollution and corporate interests." And they all responded with a resounding, "Ooom-pah, Oom-pah." After the presidential hopeful finishes his speech, the chief asks him if he would like to look over some of their prize cattle, to which the candidate says, "I'd love to." With that, the chief warned him, "Be careful -- don't step in the Oom-pah!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Haven't You Always Wondered Haven't you always wondered? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of? When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose? Why is a procrastinator's work never done? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" If careless means without care, why doesn't wreckless mean without wreck? Three new bonds are being issued: * Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity * Gore bond: Has no interest * Clinton bond: Has no principle. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Hilary Clinton Goes To A New Doctor Hilary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has CRABS. He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the First lady that she has crabs? After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from NIXON'S DISEASE. She says "WHAT?" He again responds "Nixon"s Disease". She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly.... you've got bugs in your oval office!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Hillary Clinton And Janet Reno Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?" "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Hillary Clinton Died And Went To Heaven Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. An Angel was giving her a tour around when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked the Angel about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary then asked, "where is Bill's clock?" The Angel replied, "God has it in His office... ...He is using it as a ceiling fan." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Hillary Clinton Goes To Her Doctor Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!" Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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